So my black nailpolish is REALLY chipped. Last week one of the nails was perfectly chipped into the shape of Batman with his cape spread out bat style. Then it got fucked up and Batman was decapitated. Now it looks like a blob.
Love to the Batman (saw the Dark Knight twice). Own it.
This was random.
Oh! Latest addiction: Watching The L Word via youku (the Japanese, I think, version of youtube).
And when I say addiction I mean obsession.
I have officially been pushed off the edge of my anal retentive cliff. All hope is gone for I have lost my sanity to a shared bathroom.
Yes. You did read that correctly.
That word sums up my life, more or less. More like “no time for anything”. Ever.
I wrote a personal short story a few minutes ago. Here’s a snippet.
The stress has begun to eat at the edges of my pale white flesh. It start slow, going unnoticeable. Then it begins to work its way into my brain and consume every last neuron. It grips and bites and tugs and twists and pulls till the pounding in my head is the only thing I can hear. There is no way to silence it.
Well, there are two ways.
Majority of it is pretty personal. But that’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been running a lot lately, which should make me happy because of those chemical things. Apparently I am some form of mutation (as if I didn’t know that already). I think more of myself is running from everything I can’t handle. The stress, the panic attacks, the emotional rollercoaster, the work, the drama. It just gets to be too much. But I’m always running from something, and it’s pretty exhausting.
It’s late. I need what little sleep I can get. It takes a lot of energy to fail tests (really, it does).
I’ll leave you with the last line of my story, it may not make sense without the rest for you all, but when I read it a second time it really felt important/scary/profound to me.
Distraction, distraction! There is no other taste like the burn of control against my fingertips. Perhaps my creativity has not escaped into a black hole after all. It takes a true artist to make a masterpiece of them self.
“Life’s not about how many breaths you take, it’s about how many moments take your breath away.”
So, I think that’s bullshit.
Life isn’t about just the huge, beautiful moments that make you gasp in awe and remember forever. Life is about reading between the lines, and finding moments hidden. Diamonds in the sand. (“Music is the space between the notes” … sound familiar?)
This was a night to remember. Not because something huge or special happened. Not because it was new and fresh. It was just a night that made me feel really good. I think that’s what life’s really about. Finding the moments that just make you feel good.
Tonight I danced like a maniac in public. Tonight I drove down the highway singing Demi Lavato (don’t ask) at the top of my sore throat (because of the cold). Tonight I felt alive as I drove in circles around my friend’s neighborhood with music playing and the way-too-hot-for-September evening air pulling hair into my face. Tonight I burnt my tongue on a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Tonight I had a pretzel dipped in cheese sauce and some green bean casserole for dinner. Tonight I felt honest, and open, and free, and I didn’t give a shit what people thought of me.
This is a night I’ll hold onto for a long time. Then I’ll forget. And in a few years, when I’m feeling reminiscent, I’ll think back and smile and know that if all else in my life fails, at least I had that moment.
At least I had tonight.
So this is more of an update on what’s going down in my shindig.
Schoolwork is slowly sucking out my soul. This is my daily schedule:
1. Get up at 5:15.
2. Be at school by 6:40.
3. School starts at 7:20.
4. In school (with about half an hour for lunch) until 2:18.
5. Get stuck in student parking lot traffic.
6. Get home by 3.
7. Watch something random saved on the DVR till 4.
8. Start homework at 4.
9. End homework between 8-9.
10. Around 9 get ready for bed.
11. Read for an hour.
12. Sleep by 10:30. (well not tonight considering it’s 10:40)
13. Repeat.
So that’s all of about two hours of “me” time? Yeah, does WONDERS. Occasionally I only have 3-4 hours of homework. Yeah, OCCASIONALLY.
Onto parts of my soul not being sucked out by education.
A really good friend of mine is going for a five hour brain assessment on Friday, and it kind of scares the shit out of the both of us. Last week she went to the doctor and they told her it’s either a blood disease or a kind of relapse from a concussion she got a few months ago. She’s not doing so well, so I’m trying to be with her as much as I can. Even if it’s just driving around trying to find a shirt she dropped one night when she was drunk or driving the wrong way on a one way street out of Target…yeah. We’re pretty odd (and yes. we do like patd sans !). Or sitting around eating about five tons of candy to help her gain back her rapid weight loss (twizzlers, brownies, ring pops, reeses, cheesecake, pizza, ETC). Yeah. Definitely going on a diet sometime soon for the record.
The ONLY friend who had my lunch period who I was trying to reconnect with had to switch her schedule… Now I eat lunch alone in my car. In some ways, I guess it’s helping me develop skills for the future. I’m not very social, so I plan on the fact that most of my life will be spent eating alone. And I don’t mean that pessimistically. It’s true. I know I’m not social. It’s a statement of fact. But it still kind of sucks.
I’m sick. I have a cold. The whole congestion plus ridiculously sore throat plus only getting like five – six hours of sleep a night isn’t really helping.
I failed a test this morning. After I had to go running all over my entire fucking campus to find a stupid room to deliver some shit. Pain in my oversized ass. All the way.
My sister didn’t come home on her birthday, shocking. My brother passed his drug test to get a new & better job, also shocking. He may stop mooching off my parents at age 21 and finally move out, insanely shocking.
So yeah. It’s safe to say I’m having kind of a shit week. And the sad part is, that no matter how much of all this stuff is going on to keep me insanely busy, I still have time to feel incredibly lonely. I think that sucks the most.
Distractions for this weekend: Seasons 4 & 5 of Gilmore Girls as well as Season 2 (and I might go buy season 1) of Dead Like Me.
On a more positive note, my therapist is really starting to make me see that despite all my problems, I surprisingly have found ways to deal with them and to work around them unconciously. Example. A lot of my anxiety centers around time, like being late or waiting for specific things to happen. But minus the actual physical problems that come with anxiety, I’ve managed to subdue a lot of the mental stuff in my own ways. So I guess that’s pretty good. Instead of being insanely anxious, I’m only slightly! That’s a step up, believe me. I also got new stars for my calandar (if you’ve read previous blogs, you’ll know what they’re for). They’re pretty and metallic!
And now I find it REALLY sad that the highlight of my week is metallic star stickers. Time to hit the sack before I start getting even more insane.
Goodbye & Goodnight to all of you (or just the internet).
Hello all.
So the Postsecret Community is a message board system branced off of the Postsecret project. If you don’t know about it, there should be a link in the section at the left of this. It’s amazing, check it out.
So I have recently fallen in love with the PSC. It’s a great place for all sorts of stories, advice, inspiration, and a good place to just talk to be people who you can really relate to.
I just now put the link to this blog in my profile (hence the blog about it).
If you’re not coming from the PSC link, I am infinite.playlist on the boards.
Yes, as in Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist. It was sitting on my desk when i was trying to pick a name + I live for music = Voila! Oh and the preview for the movie of it looks like they destroyed the book. I’m pretty mad about that. I’ll go see it of course, but I’m pretty sure I’ll hate it. I mean come on, they fucked up the biggest part of the book. Aka when Nick asks Norah to be his girlfriend for five minutes. In the preview NORAH aks NICK. I know that may seem weird and stupid, but trust me on this. It looks destroyed.
Anyways, please check out the PSC. It’s amazing!!! Geeze I need sleep, I think I’ve said amazing more than once in less than 300 words. That’s ridiculous.
