Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: cryptic, depression, holidays, life, music, Random, videos
Title credit goes to Jack’s Mannequin, a song named “The Resolution”. I chose a song with ‘resolution’ in the title because it’s New Year’s Eve, of course. But I chose a song called THE Resolution because I really only have one big one this year. I mean yes, I do have small ones, but none quite as important. Warning: Parts of this post will only be understood by one person. I like to keep things cryptic.
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I wake up after twelve hours of sleeping. I feel tired and achy, not revived and refreshed, and yet I have no cold. My lips are covered in scabs from consistent biting. By me (get your fucking mind out of the gutter). I have no will to do anything but lay on a couch and read a book or watch a movie. My fingernails have no polish for the first time in over a year. I picked it all off between sleeping and napping, the only things I do anymore. I think I count on people too much, and when things don’t go as planned, I think I blame them too much. The blame should be on me, because I should have seen it coming and had back up plans. People have always let me down, and they will continue to. Maybe my standards are too high. Is it wrong that I expect people to follow through with their word?
Maybe it is. Maybe that’s what our world is coming to. A bunch of people crammed into tiny spaces filled with meaningless words. Meaningless lives.
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“Maybe I’m eighteen,” I said, as I ate my doughnut and listened to the other man remind us to drink a little bit of olive oil before we go out drinking so our stomachs would be coated.
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Is it wrong to be angry when people cancel things at the last minute? Maybe it is. Maybe I should have back up plans to cancel at the last minute if things work out. Maybe I should become like the people who let me down. It wouldn’t bother me, I’ve already disappointed myself the same number of times as there are stars in the sky, not my fake one, the real one.
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“You can see the stars in the water,” I said, as an acoustic guitar played in the background and a boy, head over heels for my friend who doesn’t share the feelings, sings an improv song about weed. My foot attacks the metal bar keeping me from the water. A prison of sorts, keeping me from escaping my own life.
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I haven’t played piano in weeks. My fingers have become useless.
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“We’re going to the mall,” I told my mother.
“Lets have an adventure,” she told me.
Sometimes the best adventures are found in deserted Dunkin Doughnuts stores downtown at 8. Somtimes the best adventures are found in driving around a neighborhood, making people’s Christmas deer hump each other. Sometimes the best adventures are a little bit of both.
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I’m sitting here on New Years Eve day with no plans for the evening, for the very first time. I am a hermit, and I do not have the busiest social life, but I have never been alone on New Year’s Eve. Last year I spent it with someone I felt I would be friends with forever. She has slipped away, abandoned me, and does not like me now. I have no idea why because she will not respond to me anymore. It’s funny how things change.
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“This is the first day of my life, I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you,” I sang.
“That’s not the next line!” She said.
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Maybe tomorrow will be the first day of my life, a new life. With my resolution. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to find someone special. Yes, I want to get a good score on the SAT. Yes, I want to get a decent job.
But none of that compares.
I want to find happiness. I have a theory that you cannot simply BE happy, you have to find ways to become happy. If I have to tear myself apart and put myself back together again, then I will do it in 2009. If I have to destroy everything I care about and start over, then I will do it in 2009.
Because at this point… it is either I find happiness in my life, or I do not live at all.
“Yeah I’m alive. But I don’t need a witness, to know that I’ve survived, I’m not looking for forgiveness. Yeah I just need light. I’ll be lying in the dark, as I search for the resolution…”
–The Resolution, Jack’s Mannequin
“This is the first day of my life, I swear I was born right in the doorway. I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed…”
–First Day of My Life, Bright Eyes
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title, Random | Tags: books, life, movies, music, new year, Random, tops
Yeah, it’s lame, but I’m doing it anyways. Here’s some top fives of 2008 created by yours truly, and these are in no particular order.
Top 7 Albums of ‘08.
And I’m sure that Sycamore Meadows by Butch Walker and Only By The Night by Kings of Leon would be on here if I actually had the money to buy them and enjoy them. But I do not have an endless supply of money for music, like I wish I did, so my pecking order is carefully planned according to my taste, prices, and impulse buys…
- Dear Science — TV on the Radio
- Pretty.Odd. — Panic at the Disco
- Narrow Stairs — Death Cab for Cutie
- The Glass Passenger — Jack’s Mannequin
- Intimacy — Bloc Party
- Fast Times at Barrington High — The Academy Is…
- Waves and the Both of Us — Charlotte Sometimes
Top 10 Songs of ‘08
These are specific songs that I have listened to a lot or meant a lot for me personally throughout the year. These are subject to change, if I think of different ones later…
- Hurricane — The Hush Sound
- Grapevine Fires — Death Cab for Cutie
- All in All — Lifehouse
- Losing Sleep — Charlotte Sometimes
- Automatic Eyes — The Academy Is…
- Ballgame — Kevin Devine
- 9 Crimes — Damien Rice
- Blue Light — Bloc Party
- Hey Now — Augustana
- Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) — Jack’s Mannequin
Top 3 Novels of ‘08
My interest in books varies frequently and depends on what kind of time I have, and this list is rather short because majority of the books I read are not brand new due to the library not usually being totally up to date. So there were plenty of books that would have made the list from different years.
- Lock and Key — Sarah Dessen
- Change of Heart — Jodi Picoult
- Breaking Dawn — Stephenie Meyer
Top 5 Movies of ‘08
I’m a movie junkie, that’s all there is to it. And I personally don’t think this was one of Film’s best years. There were a couple diamonds in the ruff, but I expected a little better. Next year will be much, much better, I can tell already. Harry Potter, My Sister’s Keeper, Push, Knowing Is Everything, I mean there’s a whole shitload of stuff I’m looking forward to.
- Twilight
- The Dark Knight
- Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist (despite it’s discrepancies with the fabulous novel)
- 27 Dresses
- Get Smart
Top 5 Inspirations of ‘08
These are things that inspired me to do something or be someone over the course of the year.
- The song “Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin
- The message I found in a PostSecret book I bought: “You are gorgeous! Don’t let anyone convince you other wise.”
- A line from a friend’s blog: “At the bottom of everything, I’m taking my chance to look straight up and get pummeled by life like a cartoon anvil/piano/boulder.”
- Reading the book Not Quite What I was Planning: Six Word Memoirs By Writers Famous and Obscure compiled and edited by Rachel Fershleiser and Larry Smith.
- Watching my friend’s mother be strong while battling breast cancer.
Those are all the ‘tops’ I can think of for now, I will most likely add more later though. I considered doing ‘the worst of ____ in 2008′, but I’m trying to end the year on positives due to the fact that I’m usually a negative person.
Pretty much described in the title. These are clips from my favorite love confessions on film. They’re in NO PARTICULAR ORDER, because I don’t like ranking things.
1. Love Actually. What an amazing movie, it’s definitely one of my top movies. This is the scene between Juliet (Keira Knightley) and Mark (Andrew Lincoln). Juliet is married to Mark’s friend…
2. Garden State. Another favorite movie!! The scene is between Largemen (that’s his last name, what they call Zach Braff) who has been on antidepressents for most of his life until he takes a trip back to Jersey where he meets the unconventional girl, Sam (Natalie Portman).
3. Gilmore Girls =] This is the scene where Rory (Alexis Bledel) first admits her love for Dean (Jared Padalecki). Just a classic.
4. A Walk to Remember. One of the best and saddest movies ever, but it is Nicholas Sparks so…yeah. The scene I wanted to find was when Landon (Shane West) tells Jamie (Mandy Moore), who is dying from Leukemia, that he loves her and she reples “I told you not to fall in love with me”. I couldn’t, so here’s a scene from the end of the movie after she has died and Landon is a completely changed person. It’s still a really sweet scene.
5. Crazy/Beautiful. Not a very well-known movie, but a goodie nonetheless. The scene is between the fucked up Nicole (Kirsten Dunst), Carlos (Jay Hernandez), and Nicole’s father. I couldn’t find just the specific scene so you have to go to 4:55. It’s a pretty short confession, then her father talks and sounds like a total cheesy loser, but it really is a great movie and scene.
So that’s it for now, I may add more later…
Haha it’s a play off one of my favorite phrases: ‘a fuck up or just fucked up?’.
I have officially seen Twilight, the movie, three times. First time alone, second with a friend, third with my sister (the cunt — I’m really pissed at her right now). So this may seem like a fangirl thing. But I am here to explain why I am simply a fan-of.
1. I do not know the names to the actors/actresses.
2. I didn’t know what ‘twimoms’ was until someone told me.
3. I realize that the movie is super cheesy (exactly like the book).
4. I have not even finished the 4th book, and I’ve ben reading it since the summer (on and off, but mostly off).
5. Check out the soundtrack, I’d see the movie just for the music (I don’t have to now that I got it for Christmas though).
6. The movie has a preview to the new harry potter movie, I would pay to see the movie just to see that preview on a big screen. I never said I wasn’t a Harry Potter fangirl… (Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, harrypotterfanfiction.com , ….)
7. I didn’t scream and cry like that crazy chick on youtube when I first saw the trailer.
8. I only watched the trailer twice, months apart.
9. I didn’t scream in the theatre when I first saw Edward.
10. While I do want them to make more movies, I wouldn’t die if they didn’t.
There you have it, the official I AM A FAN OF NOT A FANGIRL list. And I will leave you with a line from Full Moon by The Black Ghosts, a song on the soundtrack:
“Cause all I want is here and now but its already been and gone. Our intentions always last that bit too long. Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and you’re still there. Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me and you’re still there.”
So Merry Christmas for those of you out there who celebrate it. Interesting Christmas Eve Day for me…
random crap.
Church.
Okay so I always go to church on Christmas & Easter with my family, it’s a tradition, and even though I am agnostic and really hate organized religion, I do it for my family and because it’s the holidays. But I always feel like a fake when I walk in the doors. I sing the songs, I say the words, and yet they mean nothing to me. Trust me, I really wish I could be religious, but there’s just so many reasons why I can’t and I won’t. So when I enter a church and participate I feel like such an imposter. They are all doing this because they believe in it and I stand alone in a room full of people.
I feel like everyone knows I don’t believe in their faith. They know the things I’ve done, the things I’ve thought. Between staring at men who looked like Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger and wondering if they have secret lovers on the side (take a wild guess at last night’s movie), I spoke prayers and listened to “the word of God” and it just felt so wrong. This weird sense overcame me like ‘you don’t belong here’ and ‘what are you doing?’. I respect people’s faith completely as long as it is not preached onto me, so I felt terrible even being in the same room with those people. It felt like I was betraying them. It made my skin crawl, because it was more than just every person in the room. I was betraying myself as well. I don’t know, it was all very surreal.
So onto later in the evening… my brother decides to skip Christmas dinner to go bring his girlfriend home (to where she lives with her parents at age 21, exactly like my brother) from work.
Over dinner, my parents first trash talk her. Then it moves onto discussing Mass, which I admitted to not really paying attention to and my father starting a fight with me. It then progresses onto another attack of my sister’s choice to change colleges and majors and my mother’s input on the matter (which has been discussed since the change occurred — aka MOTHER FUCKING JULY). Seriously, I am so sick of my mother criticizing my sister’s choices. It’s her fucking life so back the fuck out.
Yeah, that’s Christmas dinner in my family.
The rest of the night has been spent doing laundry, I’m waiting for a load to come out of the dryer now.
Merry Christmas, I hope your holiday isn’t nearly as fucked up as mine.
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Side Note — I heard my dad say the word ‘pussy’ for the first time the other day. If you know my dad, this was like the end of the world. And it was over a discussion of a new Fall Out Boy song nonetheless. Totally a WTMFF (what the mother fucking fuck) moment all the way.
Title credit — line from a new Fall Out Boy song called The (Shipped) Gold Standard. Review of Folie a Deux later to come.
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Is this what I have become? Sitting alone in the dark, eyes stitched to the glow of a computer screen, listening to music and begging for answers in all the wrong places?
The answer is yes. It is.
Being out of control is one of my biggest anxieties, and yet I always find a way to give it to someone who does not deserve it, who does not deserve anything to do with me, who will turn it around and use it against me.
What is happening to everything I stand for?
Answer: It’s slowly slipping away.
This is the first time I’ve ever posted a full short story by me. Honestly I’m not sure why I chose to post this one. It is certainly not my best, and I find it rough around the edges (aka crappy). But I just had the feeling that I should post it somewhere. So here it is.
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It’s the special kind of latte they serve that gets me craving for brisk air and bright red leaves eating the frozen skin of trees. I can taste the holiday season well into the hours of the night when the caffeine is stealing precious sleep.
There’s six hours a night I have for sleep, and there’s far too many days until I can breathe again. There’s three Neko Case cds on my desk, and there’s far too few moments to listen.
I sit and smile outside of Target on a bench with a friend. I listen to her stories of the things she used to do: the drunken nights, and the “relation-shit” that would have torn me apart. Sex, pills, and alcohol = nothing lasts forever. She says it’s all over now, and I believe her. It’s in her eyes.
Meanwhile, the anvil sinks further into my chest. There’s so much too do, and so little time to do it. There’s so much weighing my heart down, and not nearly enough muscle to hold it up. Mental note, need more exercise.
There’s three nights off, and there’s not enough to get everything done. There’s one moment to be crushed, and not enough to figure out how to pick myself up again. There’s room for two in my bed, and plenty of tears committed to loneliness.
I put everything in boxes inside my head. They’re labeled with big red letters that burn reminders into my skull. If I can control the flimsy tape that keeps them shut, then maybe I won’t panic. If I can separate everything, then maybe it won’t feel so overwhelming. If I can let some gather dust on the broken top shelf (weighed down by too many boxes being shoved there), then maybe they’ll disappear.
There are four pictures of myself as a kid in this room, and there’s no way to predict this future from them. There’s at least one memory in each of them, and there’s no way to pull them out.
I wear one of my dad’s old plaid, flannel shirts. It’s hideous — forest green clashes with the deep amber lines similar to the ones buried under sweatpants. Squares, boxes, and rectangles where I can hide my insecurities under a blanket of fabric.
My toes are cold and clammy like a little boy with a fever, just the way I like them. I’m the kind of person who keeps the fan on in the winter.
There are thirty-nine books on my shelf, and not enough words to digest. There’s five seasons of Gilmore Girls, two Dead Like Me’s, and three Veronica Mars all in one stack, but not enough wit to sip at (you can’t drink it all at once, like red wine. Too much, too fast will only leave your tongue bitter and a bitch of a hangover the morning after). There are plenty of distractions, and there’s not enough time to be distracted.
I am socially awkward, but I do enjoy getting lost in a crowd of people. It makes me feel safe in a backwards logic kind of way. I’m princess of the people who sit in the corner and watch other people living, but I’m queen of wishing for their memories and their stories to make myself feel alive.
Burn the thrown down, it’s not strong enough to support how fucked up I have become anyways. Things weren’t always like this. My mind has blocked out all reason, which leaves me in the dark to when this all began. I’m dark room without a red light. All I see are chemicals changing everything (and everyone) into something new – except (me) the one negative forgotten on the counter.
There are at least seventeen idiosyncrasies roaming the streets in my head, and there are too many involving post-it-notes. There are at least forty-three things I’m tired of, and too many things I’m afraid to change.
I sum myself up to a walking contradiction some days. I am a puzzle without a picture. I am a pulp without fiction. I am a Beuller without a day off. I am a Veronica without a taser. I am a Daisy without a Gatsby, and a Daisy without a Mason, George, Rube, or Roxy. I am a white blood cell without stripes. I am postcard without a secret. I am a boom box without a John Cusak. I am a House without a cane. I am a transvestite without meds to steal, and a sex addict without people to turn into heroes.
I am the one with a war devastating the cities in my head, and without any more ammunition to fight back. I am a piece of sand swept away by the tsunami, and no way to find my beach again.
Pumpkin spice. Extra whipped cream. Dash of cinnamon. Grande. Only quarters. Burnt tongue. Lonely leaf on ground. Tree shivering – wants its skin back. Fuck you caffeine. I want to sleep forever.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title, Random | Tags: family, holidays, life
…more of just me blogging. But for the record, Happy Holidays to everyone.
In my head, I love the Christmas image (minus the whole it’s-totally-a-consumer-holiday thing). I picture perfectly manifested trees lit up with bows and ornaments. I picture hot cups of tea or cider with a big blanket reading on the floor in front of the fire. I picture a mantel with matching stockings. I picture a big family together and smiling. I picture being with people you love.
That’s not exactly how Christmas works in my world. I always pick a tree with some kind of defect. This years is pretty thin and tall and not so normal looking. Our ornaments are a combination of homemade and THE MOST RANDOM craps ever produced. I had to staple the dress of our angel this year to cover the spot where a candle melted in the summer in our hot attic and dripped onto her.
Not a single stocking on our fire place matches. We throw tinsel and lights everywhere along with random stuffed snowmen and Santas (that goes for any medium). I can never find parking spots at the mall, but I do love to people-watch this time of year.
And Christmas day is probably going to be the only day my entire immediate family is actually together for a while. My brother is always off somewhere doing something. He owes me so much for all I’ve done for him, but he’ll never know the extent of it and he’ll never do something for me in return. I’ve accepted that. My sister wasn’t around for Thanksgiving like she said she would be. She isn’t coming around this weekend like she said she would. knows if she’ll show up for Christmas. She’s working and has school and rent to pay, so I try to understand.
When I look around my house I see chaos. I see epic fights. I see myself breaking down to my mother for help. I see cringing every time my dad yells at me. I see myself listening into conversations from the hallway upstairs. I see my brother at twenty one, living at home, doing absolutely nothing with his potential. I see my sister escaping, returning to say that she completely switched her major. I see her taking her life in a whole new direction that I have no doubt she will succeed in. I see myself cracking under pressure, under stress, under the weight of everything. I see the tension between my parents now that my dad’s pension is about to run out. I see the unforgiven scars between my brother and sister from years of debacles. I see my mother almost kicking me out. I see my mother’s condescending looks frowning down upon anything she doesn’t agree with. I see myself watching everything, but always staying at a distance.
Christmas is pretty much the same, except for a few things. I see our defect tree giving off that scent that I want to burn into my nostrils so I can smell it all year. I see Fitzgerald (my piano) decked out in tacky silver garland. I see the five completely different stockings hanging. The snowman, the Santa, the buccaneers bear, the peppermints, and the other totally different snowman. I see the plates of cookies and festive jars of m&ms. I see candles on every surface.
And when I really stop to look around on my way to a midnight snack, I realize there’s no place I’d rather be for the holidays. I wouldn’t want to play carols on any other piano. I wouldn’t want to chug eggnog in any other kitchen. I wouldn’t want to see those extra three pounds show up on any other scale. I wouldn’t want to try to beat my record of watching A Christmas Story 13 times in one week in any other house. As much as I strongly dislike how dysfunctional my family is, and how trapped I feel in this house…during the holidays, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My favorite thing to do is to drive around neighborhoods really slow and look at people’s outside decorations or people watch at the mall.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have this beautiful image of everything that Christmas should be that I love. But at the same time, I love what I have even more. And when I looked around tonight, I realized that I’ll be gone the Christmas after next, out on my own, and probably alone (nothing will have changed in that regard).
All of that kind of outweighs the pain of loneliness. Of losing a friend. Of being so mentally fucked. Of being trapped. Of being stuck between wanting to grow up and keeping things exactly how they are.
It’s just one of those moods I guess, and that eggnog is really getting to me. The holidays are just a really interesting time for me, and I hope that this year is better than lasts (lets not get into that can of worms).
So I’ll just end this ridiculously long post with one more Happy Holidays, and a line from “Brothers on a Hotel Bed” by Death Cab for Cutie. Possibly one of my favorite songs ever.
This is for December, this is for loneliness, and this is for change…
“You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, because I’m not who I used to be…”
My hands became so cold today, I didn’t notice until I looked down that my finger was bleeding.