I feel like everyone has a voice to be heard, and everyone should know that someone is listening.
Filed under: Reviews | Tags: mind-blowing, movies, prayers for bobby, Reviews
Why yes, I do like Lifetime movies. Thanks for asking!
I just watched Prayers for Bobby. Incredible movie. Also one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever seen. Everything I dislike about religion and its effect on people is portrayed. Everything that infuriates me about people who are not willing to think outside their own little box is portrayed. Everything about intolerance that gets under my skin is portrayed.
She shook his hand. Then washed it. I wanted to throw something.
But in the end, it’s probably one of the most amazing movies I’ve seen.
For those of you who haven’t heard of it, the movie is the story of Mary Griffith, a gay rights activist. Here’s the IMDB summary:
In “Prayers for Bobby,” Mary Griffith is a devout Christian who raises her children with the conservative teachings of the Presbyterian Church. However, when her son Bobby confides to his older brother he may be gay, life changes for the entire family after Mary learns about his secret. While Bobby’s father and siblings slowly come to terms with his homosexuality, Mary believes God can cure him of what she considers his ’sin’ and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. Desperate for his mother’s approval, Bobby does what is asked of him, but through it all, the church’s apparent disapproval of homosexuality causes him to grow increasingly withdrawn and depressed. Guilty over the pain he is causing Mary, Bobby moves away, yet hopes that some day his mother will accept him. His subsequent depression and self-loathing intensifies as he blames himself for not being the ‘perfect’ son and is driven to suicide. Faced with their tragedy, Mary begins to question her faith when she receives no answers from her pastor concerning her devastating loss. Through her long and emotional journey, Mary slowly reaches out to the gay community and discovers unexpected support from a very unlikely source.
One of the most moving movies I’ve seen in a while. While it was difficult to watch at some points due to the lines of the woman playing Mary Griffith, it was also heartbreaking and beautiful. The end is worth it.
Second Semester starts tomorrow. Fantastic.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: appearance, family, friends, happiness, life
…as long as it’s about me. ((I Don’t Care — Fall Out Boy))
—-
In the past week, I’ve begun to realize what I need to start doing in my quest to find happiness. It’s pretty simple. But I’ve had flickered moments of it that seem to work.
I need to stop giving a shit about everyone else.
That’s not meant to sound selfish, but I guess in a way, it is. I have always been so focused on those around me and their influence on myself and how I present myself and what people think about me. I need to just stop and start focusing on myself, because until I really can care less about how I appear in other peoples’ eyes, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy.
Activity of the week: Work on not giving a shit.
Why yes, I think I will wear my pajamas to school tomorrow (not just because it’s an exam).
Let’s hope this sticks.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, drama, exams, friends, life, music, Random
…but I think I’ll be alright. ((Candles — Hey Monday, lookout for a review of their debut album “Hold On Tight” in the next few days))
——
I had exam number three today. What a killer. I really need a B in the class to maintain a 4.5 GPA, lets hope I get that. Fingers crossed. After, my friend and I were on our way to Bojangles (I don’t talk like a southerner, I don’t really act like a southerner, but I love Bo’s as much as any other southerner), we picked up our other friend who was walking home and dragged him on our adventure.
We grabbed food and hit the nearest park. After eating, a snowball fight ensued, scaring the children from the playground. Cold, cold, cold, is all I can say.
We drove around for a while, pretty much wasted gas, but it’s neccessary for adventures sometimes.
I looked like a bum, so I went home and changed.
….and then I ended it. A few posts ago, I talked about a friend who was really hurting me (the one that starts with “I’m awake and I’ve been..”). I am not a confrontational person. I am socially awkward. I’m not a face-to-face person. But the friend I was with convinced me that if I don’t start standing up for myself now, I never will. And if I did, I would be the first person to ever really stand up to this girl (she’s kind of frightening).
Long, complex story (including moments of severe nausea) made short: I showed up at her house to take back some CDs she’s had of mine for over a year and a half. She basically shoved them at me and closed the door.
I know that sounds ridiculous, CDs means the end? My just showing up at her house and taking them back is the equivalent to me screaming “FUCK YOU” at her. It’s over. This was a metaphorical giving up on our friendship. I know this sounds dramatic and lame, but I honestly try to stay out of drama for the most part. I can’t help when I get sucked in by force.
The rest of the day was spent with my friend, and the whole time I just felt bad about the situation. I don’t know why. I should feel relieved that it’s over, but I’m not. And it’s not technically all over. I will be seeing her around every corner. I’m pretty sure she’s in one of my classes next semester, she’ll be doing Sound Crew for the spring musical (I’m on lights — our crews are so close together we’re basically fucking each other).
But my friend is trying to help me just shut it out and not feel anything when I see her. I know that sounds terrible, but I would rather feel nothing for her than feel guilt (without motive) and anger and remorse.
I don’t know how this is all going to work out, I just hope it doesn’t get too over the top. On my quest to happiness in 2009, I just can’t have this in my life.
I really cared for her as a friend, but with all my control issues that I have, I just can’t let her take over my life for any longer than she already has. I need to start living again.
“Don’t be afraid of death. Be afraid of the unlived life.”
There’s actually a shirt that says that. I want it.
So yeah, basically, nerd! moment.
I just bought Volume One of the Umbrella Academy (compilation of the first 6 issues) online.
I started reading comics as a kid. I was kind of a closet comic lover, I was the one reading them in the library between the pages of something else. It’s not that I wasn’t accepted as a kid, and it’s not that I didn’t embrace my freak-ness (because I totally did, I honestly didn’t used to care what people thought of me. High school took that away, I want it back). I think it was that comic books felt like a whole different kind of freak. I was okay with being a freak, just my own kind of freak. Comic books went into the weird Trekky, sci-fi, men with underwear on the outside kind of freak. Not that that’s bad, I just don’t really know how to explain it. In short terms, I just didn’t let people know.
My favorites were the original X-Men and a little bit of Batman, but mostly X-Men. I don’t even remember most of it now because I haven’t read any in so long.
But about a year ago I heard that Gerard Way (lead singer of My Chemical Romance) had started his own comic and whatnot, and after years of dormancy, the inner-comic-nerd began to creep out. I looked into it, then forgot about it. Then I recently read some really great reviews on it, because I was skeptical. As much as I love and adore Gerard Way, it’s always difficult to see someone you’re so used to in one position make the change into another. It’s like watching an actor/actress become a singer (you don’t really know what to expect, and it hardly ever works out. Ex: Scarlett Johansson. She’s ridiculously hot, bang worthy, brilliant actress — just NOT meant to be a singer. Sorry sweetie). So you can see where I was a little “ehh….” on the matter.
But after reading some really fantastic reviews, I have decided to pull that side of my nerd out and venture back into the wonderful world of spandex, starting with The Umbrella Academy.
I will post a review after I’ve read it. I’m excited. My spidey-sense is tingling. HA. (although despite the fact that I love him, we all know Spiderman is kind of low on the superhero totem pole) =]
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: beauty, exams, family, life, snow, winter
…I am not afraid to walk this world alone. ((Famous Last Words — My Chemical Romance))
One of my all time favorite songs by them, a band that seriously changed my life. I feel like they get a lot of crap, similar to Fall Out Boy, for their success and whatnot. I really wish they wouldn’t, because they honestly saved my life on more than one occasion. Their words are just so blunt and powerful and real. They were real enough to grab hold of when my life was slipping away. There are a lot of good and bad memories surrounding them for me.
—-
My mom’s birthday ends in about nine minutes. (It will be gone by time I finish this) She got a little drunk. I think that’s allowed when you turn 46 though.
My sister is home, catching a flight tomorrow morning. I’m cat sitting for her baby Lily while she’s gone this weekend.
My brother is pissing me off. He will hopefully be gone soon.
I have an exam tomorrow, one I was supposed to have Tuesday. But the snow came. The beautiful, wonderful snow. I’m up much too late before an exam. I really don’t give a shit though.
Sometimes I feel like life is moving too fast, sometimes it feels too slow. When everything around me is changing, rushing, reacting, falling, or conjoining, the snow stops things. Everything halts for the snow. Quite literally where I live. We only get it about once a year (if at all), so we don’t have the right stuff to keep going. Everything shuts down, and it’s like all of a sudden the world has stopped. The blanket of white drenches even the blackest of things. It makes everyone just stop and look.
I went sledding for the first time in years. I put on all my hideous snow gear and just went sledding on my street with a friend. It felt nice to be like a kid again. I didn’t really have the most normal of childhoods, but snow days are a constant memory. Getting bundled up like a big ball of sushi. Venturing out into a world of white, the color of all colors combined. Burning eyes. Runny nose. Cheeks stinging. The feeling of a snowball hitting your back. Carving a path through the snow with a sled. Back flipping. Coming inside, feeling the warmth. Putting everything in front of the fire to dry. Drinking something hot (then: hot chocolate, now: hot tea — oh, such big changes). Curling in a blanket to watch it fall outside.
Snow just changes everything. The world looks so much more beautiful draped in salt-less sea of tiny flakes.
I hate watching it melt, seeing the browns and blacks fighting through the white. It’s a reminder that all things end. That under everything we’re still the same. That life won’t stop forever, it has to keep going. That there are flaws with everything. That nothing stays beautiful forever.
…and I’ll help you pack. ((We Laugh Indoors — Death Cab for Cutie))
—-
So I’m really frustrated right now. I have a really close friend who has been dating this guy for a while now, and I honestly really don’t like him. To make things less confusing, lets call her Sally and lets call him Jack (no wait, he totally doesn’t deserve to take the name of a great character, he’ll be BOB). I don’t honestly think I’ve ever liked one of my friends’ boyfriends. And it’s not because I’m a bitch, it’s that they genuinely date really shitty guys. I don’t know why or how it happens that MY friends happen to date the scum of the earth, but anyways.
Bob is one of those who will have no life beyond highschool. He’s pretty much going to be the loser at the highschool reunion in eleven years who is still obsessed with everything he did in highschool. That’s all he’ll ever be. That was a little bitchy, but too true to ignore.
A little history on them… a few months ago Bob cheated on Sally with a girl Sally was kind-of-friends-but-more-like-a-friendly-acquaintance with. Sally came to me crying because she felt more humiliated than she had ever been and hurt that he would ever do something like, especially when he was not under the influence of ANY substance. Especially when Bob tried to call her to ask if it was okay (she had mentioned before that she would be okay with an open relationship), but then went ahead and did it anyways. That not only means that Bob can’t blame it on the drugs he takes or the alcohol he drinks (yeah he’s real classy), but it also means it was planned in a way and he had no regard for her at all. She asked for space, and he gave her a few days. She got sucked back in and forgave him and all was well. Sally stayed with me for two weeks in December and I made it clear that he was not welcome in my house. I do not like this punk. At all.
So a few weeks ago one of our friends, who is a great but a total sex-fiend who is known to be “unfaithful” and is blatantly sexual to everyone (that’s kind of her charm, but lets call her Mary, and yes I chose that because it’s ironic), asked if Sally’s punkass of a boyfriend, Bob, wanted to go dancing. Sally told Mary she didn’t feel comfortable with it, and Mary understood and left it alone.
Tonight, Sally calls me up crying, because Bob and Mary had plans to go dancing tonight. Sally thinks that either one or both of them are fucking her over. Either Mary, who’s really a nice person just a little slutty, completely ignored Sally’s wishes behind her back. Or Bob told Mary that Sally was okay with it. I’m pretty sure Bob is at fault, but I won’t jump to conclusions.
But I will conclude with this. I hate seeing my friends put into these situations by assholes. Why, why, why can’t one of my friends date a decent guy. I love Sally, so I hate having to hear her cry over someone who is totally not worth it. Not only does she deserve better, EVERYONE knows she deserves better. And people often tell her she does. Yes, many people, including I, have told her she needs to break up with him. But in the end, it is her relationship and she has to make her own choices.
It’s just sad to see such an amazing person be brought down. I just want to have magic powers so I could beat Harry Potter in a duel and so I could improve the male species.
This is half the reason I chose to be bisexual. Not just my “we’re all sexual beings, why should I limit myself to one gender” reasoning. But because when the world does run out of the few nice guys, I need a fucking backup plan. (that was a joke by the way, just in case you’re a male and you’re reading this because you’re really too dumb to pick up on stuff like that).
Okay now I feel a little bitchy again. I’ll stop my rant. I just wanted to put it out there that I’m really upset (fucking angry) about this situation.
On a shittier note: first exam tomorrow — Honors German III. It’s going to be hell.
So on a lighter note, I’m having a homo-fest movie-marathon tomorrow! 1. Brokeback Mountain — the epitome of all that is romantic and gay (and has Jake Gyllenhaal, FUCKING SEXY). 2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang — because I just LOVE gay Perry and his “faggot-gun”. I haven’t found a third yet. I want to get The Birdcage but….I need to find someone to rent it for me (reminder: I am only sixteen, I know, it sucks, but it’s true). Wish me luck.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, dreams, friends, life
…I’ve been fighting all my demons, I’ve been getting weak. ((Losing Sleep — Charlotte Sometimes))
Amazing song, look it up.
I’ve been having these dreams that are basically my head fucking with me.
There’s this person who I love, but I don’t know if she loves me anymore.
We haven’t spoken in months.
I’ve been having these dreams.
Where everything is okay with her.
I wake up happy.
Until the disappointment sets in when I realize nothing has changed.
So I took a step forward.
I took a chance.
And I attempted to change things.
Nothing has happened quite yet.
I need to give it time.
“What hurts more than losing you… is knowing you’re not fighting to keep me.”
–A secret from the original PostSecret book
I’m really not sure anymore. But I’m fighting to keep her. I hope she sees that. I hope she responds. I hope she knows that this has been destroying me. She’s not fighting for me, but I still love her. That bothers me greatly, but I’ll accept it. For now.
For now, I just hope the dreams go away.
There’s nothing more upsetting than waking up to find reality isn’t as beautiful as you want it to be.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, exams, family, friends, future, life, new year, Random, stress, time
…everybody scream your hearts out. ((Lostprophets)
Some nights I sit on my back porch with a blanket and watch the planes get ready to land. I live fairly close to an airport, so sometimes it feels like I could reach up and grab them from the sky. I’ve been in a really strange place for the past week. I feel in between two somethings. I don’t know what they are. Honestly, my week was terrible. One thing after another went wrong. It’s like the universe is testing my strength at the beginning of 2009 so it knows what the starting point is for fucking with me the rest of the year. But all week I still get the feeling like either something is going to happen or I am going to go somewhere else.
The best way to describe it is this…It’s like I’m here:
The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
but everything in me wants to do this:
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
because I have done so much of this:
I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
and I want to finally know this:
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(If you’re dumb enough to not know who I just quoted, then you really shouldn’t be reading anything I write)
So for now, between the two projects I have to do this weekend (tomorrow), and the exams starting next week, and the future looming in the distance (staring, mocking, enticing)….I guess I will just keep watching the planes go by with my heated blanket and cup of tea. Wondering who is on them. Wondering what they do, are they successful? Do they have families? Jobs? Friends? Lives? Do they have money? Why are they coming here? Do they know that I am watching? Do they have places to go? Are they in love? Are they lonely? …
Are they happy?
