…you fucked up. ((Sleep Well — Lydia)) Fantastic band I was into a few years ago, then a few weeks ago I realized they had another album out and got really excited.
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I feel like have this switch in my brain, an on-off switch. Some days it’s off, some days it’s on. When it’s on, everything is okay. I feel okay. When it’s off, everything is wrong.
They world is shades of grays. Nothing has meaning. I feel empty and alone and broken. There is nothing but slow motion figures and meaningless words.
I hate these days, but they happen. It’s like something in me just hits the switch and everything goes dark. I don’t know how it happens, and I don’t know why.
I just feel like nothing matters, nothing is important, that I am not important, that nothing I do will ever have any impact or meaning, and I am just existing. Nothing more than simple existence. I have no purpose. I may as well be dead.
It’s a terrifying feeling that makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how to control it, and I don’t know how to turn the switch back and see light again. I have to wait it out, sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. Every minute I fall deeper and deeper into a pit of nothingness and it consumes me whole.
I don’t know how to come back again.
Another technology rant. Yeah, one of those.
Sometimes I really wish cell phones and such just didn’t exist. I feel like sometimes our attachment to being connected to other people draws focus from time spent with people.
For example: I make plans with my friend who I don’t get to see super often. Her boyfriend is being a douche (what else is new) and texting her constantly. We sit down to watch a movie, then she gets up and says she’ll be back she just has to make a call. This is after she spent the first half hour of the movie texting him. She doesn’t come back until about twenty minutes before the end of the movie.
I love her, I really do, but sometimes I just feel like spending time with me is a chore for her and she’s just going through the motions. Thanks to technology, she doesn’t even have to pay attention to me or the fact that I’m a living breathing person and not someone on the other end of a phone.
I just feel like technology is taking away the idea of alone-time. The time you spend with someone who you care about shouldn’t be taken away because of a little piece of metal.
I don’t want to be second best to a battery. That just makes me feel kind of shitty.
Technology has officially over-connected us to the point where you’re never really alone. And sure, that can be good when you need someone, but it can also be hazardous.
Some things are just meant to be simple. Why can’t I just watch a movie and eat pizza on a couch with a friend without having to compete with a keyboard?
Therefore, technology can kiss my ass.
…this is not my heart.
About a Girl by The Academy Is… One of my favorite bands, and a great song. I’m writing this on Valentine’s Day, but by time I publish it, the thing will say it’s the 15th. Just for the record.
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Valentine’s Day.
So many things wrong. It’s soley a consumer holiday. It says that there’s only one day out of the year you should express your love for someone. It makes those not in love feel alone. It makes people fat. It’s also known as National Singles’ Awareness Day. There’s a lot more, I won’t go to in detail.
I thoroughly hate Valentine’s Day. And I know what you’re thinking, “When you find someone worth spending it with, you’ll like it”. But no, I just really dislike the concept and I never will budge on that.
Despite the fact that I had a fabulous night (thanks Casey!), I still hate the day.
Our adventure begins with us looking really, really hot.
We head to a nice restaurant. They tell us the wait is two hours. Uhm. Yeah. No. Fuck that. We head to a not so nice restaurant. They tell us the wait is twenty minutes. Uhm. Yeah. Except for the creepy old man who kept staring at me. That was weird. We eat.
We go bowling, in our dresses. We play one round, and fail miserably. I believe the score was 63, 36…I won of course. Because I own. Did you ever notice that own and won are just a letter swap apart? Interesting.
We go to Burger King. We buy the combo number 7…chicken fries (the closest thing to chicken nuggets).
We proceed, under the dark of night, to drive around aimlessly — chucking chicken at people’s cars. People on the passenger side got it from the C-queen (yes, I just came up with that, I like it. It makes her sound like a cunt.). People on my side got it from me, while the C-queen co-piloted.
There’s something about laughing so hard you’re about to pee your pants with adrenaline. There’s something about hearing the thunk as a chicken fry hits the front bumper of a minivan that you’re accidentally blinding with your brights. There’s something about hitting the gas and speeding off into the night like fucking Batman. Beckett (my car) becomes the Batmobile on our undercover missions.
We moved onto the fries when we ran out of chicken.
Best Valentine’s ever.
I still think it’s the most ridiculously pointless, insanely insulting holiday ever.
But I’ll live for this year… only because the sound of chicken hitting giant moving objects. Life is funny that way.
…they all want to dream a cause, they all want to fuck the cause. ((Cause = Time — Broken Social Scene))
Amazing band, check them out if you haven’t heard of them.
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Just an update on life, I don’t have anything to really discuss at the moment.
1. New semester, new classes — I actually have free time now (crazy).
2. Currently addicted to Alias and berets…
3. Valentines Day is coming up AKA National Singles Awareness Day. Fun stuff.
4. I went and saw Elena Martin and Jose Meliton play at a local art museum with a friend. We were the only ones under age 50. They’re duo pianists in case you didn’t know (which you probably didn’t). They were AMAZING!!! I got to shake their hands (I hope some awesome rubbed off) and obtained signatures (their hands were still shaking, I know that feeling). Seriously though, they played the best Allegro de Concierto I’ve ever heard. They were in perfect synchronization. It was just an amazing thing to witness. Fangirl moment over.
5. I have no five. My life is terribly boring right now.
I’ll be back when something goes horribly wrong.
So this is the piece I’m submitting to the Literary Magazine at my school. I’m the Copy Editor, so I feel I should submit something. I’ve been working on this for a while but I’d still like some more look-overs. If you’re out there, and you read this, PLEASE give some constructive criticism. I really want some.
The story behind this is that instead of writing a whole new story, I pulled lines from past poems, short stories, blogs, and emails I have written in the past few months. I took the lines and smooshed them together in a somwhat organized fashion to create my own unique “anthology” of my writing.
Please, please, please let me know what you think. It’s called ‘An Anthology of Infinite Words’ (and originally all the different pieces were different fonts and whatnot):
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I didn’t know my family owned a fish until the day it died. I am socially awkward, but I do enjoy getting lost in a crowd of people. I’m the kind of person who keeps the fan on in the winter. I am open, and I am nothing, and I am a part of something bigger than the case that restrains me.
I closed my eyes to blow out the candles of a vanilla ice cream cake in August, and opened them almost midway across November. I will blink again, and it will be April. Another year, another birthday
“Maybe I’m eighteen,” I said with a smile coyer than the fish as I ate my doughnut.
I can never find parking spots at the mall, but I do love to people-watch this time of year.
“Lets have an adventure,” she told me.
Some nights I sit on my back porch with a blanket and watch the planes get ready to land. My toes are cold and clammy like a little boy with a fever, just the way I like them.
“You can see the stars in the water,” I said. Everything else just vanished.
Distraction, distraction! There is no other taste like the burn of control against my fingertips. At least I had tonight.
Flash. Give me insanity. Artificial air freeze burns pictures of salvation. Imperfections and flaws are second nature necessities. All hope is gone for I have lost my sanity to a shared bathroom! I am oatmeal and wine. I think I want some Cheerios. I kind of like the chaos.
My favorite tree lies just beyond my window; red is slowly eating away at the green hearts. I watch each leaf being consumed, dripping with auburn jaws. Soon, there will be nothing but bones: desolate branches being abused by the wind.
Only quarters. Burnt tongue. Lonely leaf on the ground. Tree shivering – wants its skin back. Screw you caffeine. I want to sleep forever.
It’s funny how things change.
Frustration isn’t like in the movies — It doesn’t just magically disappear if you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and get a really determined look on your face. There’s nothing more upsetting than waking up to find reality isn’t as beautiful as you want it to be. So I guess in the end it really was my fault.
There will be tension spilling out the chimney as my family congregates into the same house at one time and angry words teetering on the verge of chapped lips, held in only by bitter tongues. It’s like being Donnie Darko, but never figuring out that you have to stay in bed.
I swear we were infinite.
My mind swims in the empty fishbowl. Big gulps. Big gulps. I need oxygen. But none of that compares. I feel like I have this story in my head. I guess I will just keep watching the planes go by.
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For the record, I cannot figure out why some parts look like links (they’re not). And I don’t know how to fix it so deal with it.
