…spoken upon long-distance melody, this is my hello ((Vienna — The Fray))
—
The relationship I have with my sister is nowhere near perfect, but it is a relationship. Through our ups and downs, we still have brief moments where we can talk openly and understand each other.
My brother however, is a completely different story. Blame it on the five year age gap. Blame it on the gender difference. Blame it on the relationship between him and my parents. It doesn’t matter. What it comes down to is that we have never connected. And in a lot of ways, I feel like we’re more similar than my sister and I. We’re the fuck-ups/fucked up ones in the family. Him more openly than me, but still.
I see my friends with their brothers, and it’s really frustrating to know that I’ll never have what they have, and if I do it’s not going to be for a very long time. I would give anything just to have a regular conversation with my brother, to let him know I understand, to be appreciated as a human. I would give anything to see that he actually has some kind of feeling towards me.
Our relationship has consisted of silence. A lot of silence. Then a lot more. I covered for him and his girlfriend all the time. I let him in when my parents locked him out. I gave him a key to the house when parents took his, risking everything just to make sure he had somewhere to go. I covered his ass, and then I covered it more. I even gave him presents up until the point where I realized he had absolutely no appreciation for them.
I used to complain about him being a loser and being in the house, but all I’ve ever really wanted is for him to look at me and smile and be happy that he has me in his life. All I’ve ever wanted is to be acknowledged as a person who has done so much for him over the years. Every time he looks at me it feels like he’s looking at a stranger or just a smaller version of my sister.
What he doesn’t understand is that I’m a person, and if he would give me the time of day, I could show him how much we have in common. All I want is a conversation with him that doesn’t involve yelling or fighting. Is that really so much to ask for?
My friend once got annoyed at how protective her brother was over her. It drove me crazy, because I would give anything to know my brother loved me enough to feel protective of me. Most days, I can just feel that he doesn’t love me, but at the same time, I can’t hate him for not loving me because I know I don’t love him either. How can you love someone you don’t know?
Today is the one year anniversary of my site, and I was going to sit down today and make a list of things that has changed since I started all this nonsense. Instead I sat down with Italian ice and the 6th Harry Potter, like the nerd I am, and read. All day. Well kind of. E True Hollywood Story of Angelina Jolie (she’s pretty psycho) captured me for a while. I have 13 minutes left before the 26th so I’ve got to make this snappy…or figure out how to change the time stamp so it seems like this was posted on the 25th.
1. Mentally, I think I’m about the same. That kind of blows.
2. Recreationally, I think I’ve gotten a lot dumber. When it comes down to it, a year ago I wasn’t scoring prescription pills. I will admit that the reliance on alcohol has lessened, I’ve always kind of had a drinking problem, but I’ve definitely slowed down quite a bit and changed it from drinking out of self hate to drinking to have a good time. Still dumb though.
3. Physically, I think I’m the same weight.
4. Emotionally, I think I’m still fucked for the most part.
5. Socially, I feel like I’m exceeding. I actually have friends, what a concept, and therefore things to do and therefore not constantly digging around the depths of my own head 24/7. So I guess all the other stuff has gotten a little better since I don’t always have the time to hate my life as much.
6. Economically, I still have very low income.
7. This is shit. It’s not thought out, and it’s shit. I’m going to sit down sometime this summer and analyze the past year way better. This is just a start because I wanted to something for my anniversary. I’m not really good at commitment, so this is kind of an accomplishment…in a kind of fucked up way because most of the shit on here is me talking about how much things blow. So yeah.
Keep an eye out for a better.0 version of this.
…the longest shadows ever cast ((Summer Skin — Death Cab for Cutie))
—
Things I want to happen before the end of the summer:
1. Silly string something.
2. Get a washable tattoo and convince my mother it’s real (yeah, she’s dumb, it could happen)
3. Figure out what the fuck I’m doing with my life.
4. Skinny dip at least 3 times.
5. Find a way to not be myself, even if just for a few moments.
I’ve picked up an old habit on the way of trying to drop the new ones. I’m hoping it’s the lesser of two evils, but as long as it feels good & it keeps me in control I’m not quite sure I care anymore.
…and I still don’t know exactly who I am ((Last Night — Motion City Soundtrack))
—-
A few random paragraphs I was working on the other day. It’s a work in progress I think. No title yet, I haven’t found the right one.
Sleeping away the vivid dreams of myself caught in the cross hairs of situations yet to happen. Waking up to find some situations have happened, and some I have forgotten. Empty pieces of memories like shards of my favorite glass vase after it was smashed from a three floor drop ebb and flow like tides upon my conscious, revealing all the things I never wanted to admit.
Star gazing from a pool chair with the smell of smoke etching itself into my pores and eyes closed. Splashes, crickets, and a strong bass line of some band on the stereo fill my ears with summer. This is how it’s supposed to be. Good conversation and humidity bring wet toes and annoyed contentedness.
Loud humming reverberates from the splash of cool air. The music is turned louder to overcome its competition. My stomach remains silent although inside it’s screaming for something, anything, but the moment it touches anything but water it rebels against me with the force of a thousand women scorned. We always tend to want the things we know are bad for us.
I can’t figure out what comes next. Hmmmmm.
1. I’m tired.
2. Last words of the month: “Dear world, I’m leaving you because I’m bored. I am leaving you with your worries. Good luck.” — George Sanders. He killed himself via sleeping pill OD and those were the last words of his suicide note. I’m still mulling them over, I don’t think I have a very good opinion on them yet.
3. My ovaries should die.
4. Things I have eaten in the past three days: Ice cream, 2 Eggo’s, sesame chicken, a cookie, a bite of a sandwich, half an egg bagel. That’s practically nothing. I don’t know how I’m functioning.
5. I really hate my sister’s cat, yeah, this is the one that attacked my ass in my passed-out-drunk-sleep a month or two ago.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: anger, depression, future, life, stress, summer
…through the summer sand we’re living in a wasteland ((Wasteland — Augustana))
—
I’m just going to come out and say that I hate who I’m becoming.
Drinking was once something I did alone out of depression and I was okay with that. I’m not okay with the fact that it has become a way to simply get fucked up and open my loud fucking mouth to half the contacts in my phone. Last night was… I don’t even know how to describe it. It showed me just how much I’ve changed and how much I wish I didn’t.
I didn’t used to be the girl who drunk dialed and spilled all her dark secrets while giggling with the intensity of way too many shots. I didn’t used to be the girl who had almost naked pictures of herself on her cell phone, and for that matter I didn’t used to be the girl who had them of other men.
I didn’t used to not have control when I drank. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more out of control than I did last night, and that kills me because control is the one thing I’ve always counted on to keep sane. It’s just not okay that I let myself go that far. In fact, I used to look down on people who did the things I’ve been doing. I would tell myself that I would never be like that, that I was better than that. I told myself I’d never lower myself to that level of degradation.
Congratulations self, you just reached a new low.
I’m so, so fucking angry right now. I’m fucking angry at myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been this ashamed or frustrated or sick of myself. And that’s saying something. A couple months ago, I wouldn’t even recognize who I am. A year ago, I thought I hated who I was, but now I realize how much worse that feeling can get.
It makes me physically sick, and no it’s not just the hangover, to know that this is who I am now. I’m a fucking slutty drunk bitch who needs to do one more thing she’s not proud of, only because it was a promise, and clean her fucking act up.
I refuse to let this go any farther than it has. I’ve got pressure from my parents to get a job. I’ve got pressure from this guy for sex. I’ve got pressure from myself to start my AP summer work and clean my fucking act up. This is the heaviest I have felt in a long time. That’s really not good. At all.
It’s a little over a week into the summer and I’ve already fucked myself up more than the past 3. It’s fucking pathetic.
—
I don’t usually do this, but this is kind of my life right now. Full lyrics of Wasteland by Augustana:
Now I’m sitting on a plane, lonely flight back to LA…
don’t come back with me
so I’ll drink myself to sleep, cut my skin until I bleed
hold my breath all the night
hear the sound, she was naked on the ground,
till I whispered in her ear..
come away, watch the dawn break through the day,
till the sun, is underneath…
cause it’s 5 o’clock, the hour stops the sunlight,
the buildings shade the masquerade and kill time,
here we’re nothin more than fools and whores and sad highs,
through the summer sand, we’re living in a wasteland
…I know it’s unkind, but my own blood is much too dangerous ((Hold On, Hold On — Neko Case))
—
As I get closer and closer to the one year anniversary of this here site, I start to think about the past year. Things that have changed, things that haven’t, that sort of thing. I’m so tired, I just got back from a visit to Florida & I’m sick so tune in on June 25th, my one year anniversary to read it. I think this is one of the few things I have ever actually committed to for a year or more.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, exams, faith, hope, life
…when there’s nothing to give ((Delicate — Damien Rice)).
Beautiful music, beautiful melody, phenomenal song.
—
I don’t really know how to describe how I’m feeling right now. I’m kind of just so tired of hoping for the best, because I keep getting shot down. Every time something good happens, I have faith. Then something bad happens and it makes me wonder why I ever even tried to enjoy my life for two seconds.
I have a good streak, then I wreck my car. I have a good streak, then today I lost my wallet and someone made a bunch of charges to my visa. Monday I have to go to court because of my car accident, and I’m in the middle of some of the hardest exams I’ve ever had.
I just hate how everything gets so fucked up. I feel lost in a world that expands around me everyday. I’m growing up, and things just keep getting shittier the more I have to face reality. Which poses the question, do I even want to face real life? Everything is saying no, and I can’t find the part of me that usually, quietly says yes. I’m being as quiet as I possibly can, and I can’t hear it anymore. That scares me more than anything.
I don’t really know where to go from here. Every time I say things can only get better, they get worse. But every time I say things are going to get worse, they do. I don’t know what I believe in anymore, and I’m questioning the meaning of faith at this point. What in the fuck is going on?
