Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, friends, life, relationships, summer
…lying awake at night ((Title & Registration — Death Cab for Cutie))
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I’ve hit a point where I’ve come to a somewhat conclusion about things. I have concluded that I have two options.
1. I continue on being my awkward, lazy, non-confrontational self and do nothing about my situation. I continue to bitch about how awkward the situation his for the next few weeks and how I wish I could fix things.
2. I actually fix things and be a little proactive. I find a way to put myself out there and try and make things better so that I can be able to face a certain someone without running the opposite direction.
While option 2 sounds nice, it has its complications. Ones that require a lot of personal storytelling as an explanation. I’m not exactly a second grade teacher. Most of the time my stories are only shared out of the need to be honest with someone I love or out of a drunken stupor.
With more risk comes more reward though. But at the same time, I don’t know exactly if the reward would end up being what I think it will be.
So is it worth it?
It’s time for Ben&Jerry’s, Gilmore Girls, a couch, and some deep thinking. Plus a side of nausea, uncertainty, fear, and confusion. Aka how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks.
Deep breaths.
…oh no, oh no, we won’t ((Slow Down — The Academy Is…))
—–
I feel as if I have been in overdrive lately. Probably because I have been. I’ve hit the point where I’ve been tired for so long that I don’t know what it feels like to not be tired anymore. So even if I’m not tired when I wake up, I still wouldn’t be able to tell. It’s just been a lot of late nights and early mornings. Too many of them in a row, jumping from one place to another. Rarely sleeping in my own bed. Seeing way too much of my steering wheel and other people’s homes.
It’s not that I don’t love being away from my house, really, I do. Ever since my siblings moved out it’s like my parents focus all their emotions on me. Twice the annoyance, bitchiness, anger, etc etc. So I really prefer to be out and about. And as much as I love my space when I sleep, it’s nice to be next to someone (especially a certain someone with gorgeous red hair).
It’s comforting to just be around people who love you, even if it’s just cooking or watching TV or cleaning. Everything is just better when you don’t have to be alone doing things you don’t like. It’s the “we’re in this together” thing, but way less retarded and cliched than I just made it sound.
And there’s a difference between your close friends and your parents’ kind of love. Your parents have -or are at least supposed- to love you, your friends love you by choice. Parents are like home plate. Friends are like the bases. While it feels good to run around and go see different friends, parents are always where we wind up.
So I started off with one intention for how this was going to go, and it ended up in a different direction. That’s alright, I’ll go with it. Mostly because I’m dead tired.
A Softer World is an online comic of sorts. It’s very odd. But I love it. And the link is on my sidebar under “A New Kind of Comic”. Their strips are either 3 or 6 pictures long with stories ranging from sad to ridiculous to just plain hilarious. Everyone kind of finds a few they gravitate to, and I found one of those for me in their most recent post. It just fits how I’m feeling right now.
“I have found a way to watch videos in your head. High definition with instant replay. It is called having regrets”.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: anger, depression, life, reactions
…I’ve found my way, but in the end we’re only spinning ((Spinning — Jack’s Mannequin))
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Ladies and gentlemen, the gates have opened.
Have you ever had such shit in your past that it takes years to cover it up and lock it somewhere in the back of your mind where you don’t ever have to think about it? Have you ever thought, hey I’ll do this and maybe if all goes well I can erase that memory by overriding it? Have you ever been really fucking WRONG?
Things I have learned this week so far:
1. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, erase the past.
2. Trying to only makes things WORSE.
3. Once the gate is open again, all hell breaks loose on your life.
4. Romantically, I am an empty pit void of emotions.
The nightmares are coming back, the ones I haven’t had in a few years. It’s gotten to the point where I am completely exhausted and yet I am terrified to close my eyes. I’m now constantly aware of that memory. All the time. I try to look, sound, act normal but inside my head is utter chaos. All the time.
As if Monday’s incident of me being a dumb ass and trying to force myself to override the past memory with a new one and changing my entire lifestyle just to try and make myself happy, wasn’t enough — the repercussions are going to last such a long time.
Monday will forever live in infamy as the day I realized how FUCKING RETARDED I am about EVERYTHING. I was trying to change the past and I ended up crying on my friend’s bed in the fetal position for a few hours feeling like a complete asshole for what I did combined with shit for how things ended up. Not only that, but I opened the fucking gate. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I’m trying to turn my depression into anger so I can at least feel like I’m being somewhat proactive.
Oh, and for the record. I saw the new Harry Potter at midnight. It was fucking disappointing.
…bad tattoos and worse IDs, do you feel alive? Do you feel alive? ((One More Weekend — The Academy Is… ))
—
This is just something I wrote the other night. Short & simple, no real title yet, and it may be worked on more later.
Driving around chasing fun times and free beer. Empty highways snake through our dark territory lit by headlights and bright eyes shining with excitement. Tonight is our night, ours for the taking.
We waver high on painful shoes and smile at passersby. Empty flirting and meaningless chatter in every corner of the room. Smoke slips through the crowd from the lips of smiling faces. Into our hair & skin & clothes & minds, making these nights last forever.
Lying with calm voices and encouraging smiles. Questioning who, what, when, & where.
No sleep and sleeping late. Staying up late and waking early. Warmth from head to toe as big spoon and little spoon fit perfectly together like soft kisses and proclamations of adoration. Nothing will tear us apart.
Bite the lips, breathe, and hold on tight. These nights are young, as are we.
…to the sleepless this is my reply, I will write you a lullaby ((Hammers & Strings — Jack’s Mannequin)).
—
Old habits die hard. The way I figure, if I can distract myself, I can stay up really late. And if I can stay up really late, then I’ll be too tired to sterilize and keep my dirty habit clean and infection free. If I’m too tired, I’ll just fall asleep. And when I wake up, I have enough during the day to distract me. It’s the nights I have to worry about, they’re quiet and tend to get the best of me. Tonight I have watched 2 movies, read, and listened to countless songs. Now I’m writing this. I think I’ll fall over and sleep soon. One night at a time.
It’s pathetic that I have resorted back to this, but it’s also comforting in a really fucked up way. Control is only as deep as I make it.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: cryptic, drama, life, romance (or lack thereof)
…I know you don’t wanna sleep here alone, just take it easy ((The Kids Are All Fucked Up — Cobra Starship))
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I’m no genius, but I know some basic math.
girl = x, me = y, him = z
(insane smart + gorgeous + sweetest person ever)x = happily with z.
(moderately intelligent + pretty + bitchy)y = left spilling heart about z in this blog.
y + z = never going to happen.
I always said a little part of my died when I had to do math. Some things never change.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, friends, future, holidays, hope, life, summer
…when we don’t know who we are ((Art is Hard — Cursive))
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A lot has been going on that I’ve been negligent to report on.
1. A few days ago, I had a girls night and the next morning we went to IHOP. It happened to be the first day they were serving a few special kinds of pancakes. It was then that I decided I would be the first person to eat them in an entire combo. So I did. And I felt sick for a long while after. There was almost-puking and a lot of time spent in my friend’s bathroom. Not fun, but a great story that no one else has nonetheless. I was proud.
2. Tuesday, I took my friend (whom I adore) and my mother to look at UNC Asheville because I wanted to tour it. Rising seniors do these type of things. Basically, I fell in love. The campus is tucked away on a mountain, cut off from the main road. It’s a small, tight-knit community. Class sizes of about 19, very personal. It’s completely gorgeous. It’s right down the road from a downtown area with tons of shops and coffee shops. I repeat, it’s completely gorgeous. The minute we drove up to it I just felt really, really good about it. Something just stuck in me and was like this is where I have to go. I don’t think I’d be happy anywhere else. My friend loved it too, and now we have the exciting task of convincing her mother to let her go farther than 2 hours away from home (it’s 3 and 1/2 to Asheville). We’ll make it work, because eventually her mom will see that if we went together we could look out for each other and it would be so much better than her being stuck in a school she doesn’t like (there’s a power point presentation and very precise timing involved). Seriously though, I want to go there more than I’ve wanted to go anywhere.
3. I got to go see a friend I haven’t seen in a really long time today. It was nice to catch up. She hasn’t changed as much as I have, but she’s still a really great person and that’s what matters. Her eccentricity makes me smile.
The rest of my week is pretty much full, and I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new Harry Potter film. I’ve been that way since they changed the release date. I’ll be starting AP work soon now that it’s July, and there’s birthdays ahead and Senior year looms in the distance. But hopefully it won’t be too bad. I think between Senior year activities/traditions and looking forward to college, I’ll be too distracted to notice whatever problems I have. That’s kind of a joke, nothing is ever distracting enough, but since I’m in a good mood I’ll pretend. Good night (well, good morning) kiddies. I’m sleeping with a smile on my face tonight, lets see how long it lasts .
