Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: family, friends, life, money, school, self abuse, stress
…but it marks your skin, until they break it ((Where Love Went Wrong — Augustana))
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The first week of school has gone by, and I’m officially losing it. I honestly thought I was doing well thus far, until I completely exploded on one of my best friends about all the things I’m stressed about that I didn’t even realize I was stressed about until tonight. I guess I bottle things up so much that I didn’t even realize how much had piled up.
Here’s my list:
1. One of my best friends got into a car accident and has a concussion (that will permanently do damage because the last one she got really fucked her up).
2. Another best friend is on crutches & battling an eating disorder (I love her & I will always, always, always support her).
3. In the group of people I go to lunch with is a girl who reminds me of a really, really bad day in the summer. It’s not her fault at all that I dislike her (even though she’s awesome) by association to that day.
4. I keep seeing/dodging a male who watched me/caused me to freak the fuck out on the aforementioned bad day in summer (there are many posts related to that day in cryptic terms).
5. I may have to give up one of the few things about school that I actually love, technical theater, because I may not have the time this semester to work on the play.
6. My education is racking up a lot of dollars, and I hate asking my parents for money more than I hate myself most of the time (my dad’s unemployment money runs out next month). It literally makes me physically sick to ask them for money. SAT – 45. 2 college applications – 100. Sewing crap for a class called apparel development that I didn’t even want to take – unknown. ITS dues – 20. I will probably end up not telling them about half of it and pay for it myself, because I’d honestly rather use my own savings than have to ask them. Their faces look so okay about it, but I’m not naive enough to believe it — I know we’re having money problems, I’m not stupid.
7. I haven’t had time to practice piano all week because I’ve been so busy. I have a new teacher who I’m not fond of because it feels all wrong (I want my old one back), and I want to do well because my parents invest a LOT of money in my lessons. The least I could do is make progress, and I haven’t.
8. As far as cutting goes, I’m almost back to where I was 2 years ago — that’s how frequent it is.
9. I’ve completely lost my sex drive (which is usually on high gear). I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s one of the early signs that say I’m headed towards what I call my low, aka a period of depression/insomnia/stress.
10. I have so much school shit to do in the next two weeks that I can’t seem to wrap my brain all the way around it.
11. The only time I’m NOT thinking about all these things is in my sleep. And even then, it takes a while for me to fall asleep and I wake up 2-3 times a night about 4 nights a week with nightmares. The same one I’ve been getting since the middle of the summer. The same one I got as a kid. The same one that still gets to me after 10 years. The really fucked up thing is that I’m working in the same mall where that nightmare went down in real life. Oh and my brain threw in a new one the other night — I killed & mutilated 3 people in my home and then proceeded to have my parents cover it up (where that came from, I’m not sure).
12. I’ve been getting urges to pick up my habits that I used to use to get myself some sleep. Nyquil or alcohol. Lots of it.
What I hate the most is that at the end of the day I still have the same stupid demeanor plastered all over my body. During the day I’m nothing but a mummy — simply a shell made to look good while I’m rotting inside.
Filed under: Creative Writing, Life as a Broad Title | Tags: change, friends, future, hope, life, short story, summer, time
It’s official. I get to change my homepage to say a “seventeen year old girl”. Honestly though, 17 really isn’t that big. It’s that crappy thing between getting a license and being an “adult”.
As per usual, my birthday wasn’t really a big deal. I had a dual party with my friend on the 23rd because her birthday is the 25th, which was fun, and afterwards I drank Vodka and went put-putting, also fun. But today was nothing special. I watched Harry Potter in IMAX with my dad. I did laundry. I finished some last minute AP work. It was just another day.
Today also marks the last day of summer. I go back to school tomorrow. Odd.
I just want to say, that while this summer did have its lows, it has by far been the best I’ve had in years.
Another summer is gone. One more, and this time next year I’ll be typing this in a dorm room. Hm. Strange.
The thing about summer is that it’s so conflicted in my head. I love the idea of it. Fun, freedom, no school, etc. Just the feeling you get when you think about how epic summer can be just makes me smile. But I hate the actual summertime, as in the heat, the humidity, etc. So I guess I’ll leave it at a love-hate relationship. I’m waving goodbye for now (although NC is still hot well into October….).
Over the past 2 and 1/2 months I’ve been writing a little goodbye serenade to summer. It’s pretty much just a list, but it’s got inside jokes and random occurrences that I’ve kept track of.
2 Months, 2 Pages, and Too Many Words
Summer is setting the alarm clock for 2 pm. Staying up till 4 am playing monopoly. Girls’ nights with too much alcohol and just enough laughs. Hot nights with hookups and broken hearts chilled in the 95-degree weather.
Summer is making sand castle nipples and boogie boarding. Sunburns and saltwater. Skinny-dipping and sliding on hardwoods. Dancing on couches and lip-syncing about how much we love Stacy’s mom. Eating too much pizza. Scratch that, you can never have too much pizza.
Summer is smiles and sandals and smoke. Hot tubs, pool parties, and wet feet. Sandy bathing suits, star gazing, and lollipops. Long drives, Southpark, and ghost riding. Music, good books, and nausea.
Summer is excitement, anxiety, and readiness for the future. Nervousness, horniness, and cheap thrills. Movies, malls, and parking garages. Short-shorts, sun-bleached hair, and wet sofas. Fights, feuds, and forgiveness.
Summer is drunken evenings, Bacardi, and rum. Early morning IHOP runs that end with champion eating skills and twisted stomachs. Eating dust, and watching Dressage lessons. Learning new skills such as opening a bottle with your arm. Toasts, toasts, and more toasts.
Summer is falling over and being picked up by a friend, laughing over our own stupidity. House alarms, party-less nights, and Dexter. Weeds, weed, and brownies.
Summer is lies, excuses, and disappointment. My sister’s cat scratched me, I’m too tired, she’s a fucking alcoholic, and I really just don’t want to talk to you. Pulling up and down like the waves we crash into on hot beaches.
Summer is three hour lingerie shopping, baby faces, and death by celibacy. Burgundy, picture phones, and back seats. Volley ball courts, pool tables, and vegetable pizza.
Summer is mistakes, mistakes, and more mistakes. Regrets, relapses, and plans that make me wonder about my own sanity. Realizing you can’t erase the past, but you can choose your future. Shit happens.
Summer is Nancy Drew, emergency rooms, and baby boys. Toes in the sand, shark in the water, 75 SPF on my body. Cheap hennas, cramped car rides, and chow mein noodles. Summer is bye bye miss American pie and not enough legroom.
Summer is wizarding outfits and eyeliner lightening bolts. Questioning friendships and making new ones. Procrastination. Procrastination. Procrastination. Doubting if that AP work will ever be complete.
Summer is staying out all night – I mean, “Movie marathons at so&so’s house”. Laughing at the drunk people in the bar who are dancing like idiots. Great music, and the “Hottest, most sexiest shirt I’ve ever seen”. Drinking on couches holding 8 people at minimum. Beer pyramids. Waking up in foreign places to naked white asses. Cartoons & bagels the morning after. No pants, 2 hours of sleep, and smelling like 15 brands of cigarettes without having smoked a single one.
Summer is erotica on a refrigerator and five-finger-discount stakes. Put the meat with your meat and walk away. Walmart runs in the early morning. Wax paper, ovens, and setting off the smoke alarm for bagel bites. Cinnamon toast crunch. Pretty in Pink.
Summer is inside slip’n’slide on oiled hardwood floors. Aching bodies for days after. Videos to prove it make it worth the while. Drunken monopoly. Pouring, pouring, pouring. “Was that one shot?” – “No I think that was four…” “It smells like Mexican in here…”
Summer is Pina Coladas, Ring of Death, and Vodka. Drama, dazes, and dancing. Inappropriate behavior. Inappropriate behavior. & more inappropriate behavior. Sleeping on floors, couches, and lawns. Beds are for pussies and squares. Tie Dye gone right. Tie Dye gone bleach. Turquoise fingers & Windex really does cure all.
Summer is lying in driveways. Popsicles. Different driveways. Two hours waiting for a meteor shower. Cloud cover = 90%. Waste of time? Watching the stars is never a waste of time. The crick in my back is semi worth it.
Summer is togas, grape leaves, and Dr.Phil. Eggs, rice, and banana bread. Summer is gin on my pants, and a laugh on my mouth. Cold mornings, shared blankets, and peaceful silence.
Summer is new beginnings & new endings. Wobbly starts and stressful finishes. Secrets, secrets, secrets, secrets, TRUTH. Tears, fears, and hearing too much Taylor Swift. Stress, stress, stress, and procrastination time running low.
Summer is broken feet, piñatas, and mints. Put-put, spilt drinks, and Van Gogh. Sugar, sugar, and more sugar. Summer is “If you touch me in my sleep, I’ll kill you” and one fucked up family.
Summer is saying goodbye and moving on. Saying goodbye to summer is a new adventure.
Fall.
The two tea candles (because my mother forgot regular ones) on top of my ice cream cake that I didn’t even eat were lit and blown out. I wished for 17 to be a better year than 16. Lets see if I can make that happen. I try to have hope, but sometimes that’s not good enough.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: depression, life, money, sleep, stress, summer
…to push away things you know are headed your way.
I know I’ve got bad days coming up, I really do. My lower back is officially a war zone – I meant it when I said I could feel it in my bones. I had to sleep on the floor last night just to get to sleep. My mind never shuts off, it just keeps going like that stupid energizer bunny that I want to rip apart hair by hair. Going, and going, and going.
The more I try to ignore it all and make things okay, the worse it gets. I’m too afraid to cave in, because if I do then that means I’m succumbing. To what exactly, I’m not sure. But not caving in is wearing me out. My birthday is coming up, and last years kind of sucked so I really want to make this a good one, but it’s hard to feel good when everything feels wrong.
I try to hold out by using old habits, but even that’s not working anymore.
Things I’m sick of:
1. Spending money. I’m trying so hard to save, but it’s difficult when everything costs money. Not to mention that usually the only way to hang out with people is to go do something that costs money. Even having a job costs money, because I really need to buy more of their clothes. Getting to my job costs me gas money. Etc, etc.
2. Not being able to sleep through the night. When I look back on the summer, I realized I slept a lot, but I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I wake up 3-4 times a night, well that’s on bad nights, but I’m usually up at least twice a night. And it’s not “oh, I have to pee really bad” kind of waking up. It’s a “I’m frozen in terror from that nightmare, but it’s okay because I’m safe right now” kind of waking up. It’s the kind of waking up that really makes me want to go back to the point in my life where I took shots a few nights a week to get myself to stay asleep. On occasion, I even wake up shaking (not from being cold). On top of everything, the nightmare is always the same. Nothing new. Same one I had years ago, same one I have now. But that’s partially my fault. Not the point. Moving on.
3. Humidity. Everytime I step outside my car, my glasses fog up to the point where I can’t see. I hate, hate, hate the heat. End of story.
4. People who make lists called “Things I’m Sick Of”.
Theoretically, I feel like a douchebag for bitching like that. But in reality, it’s my fucking blog so I can bitch as much as I want to. I’m not forcing you to read it. This blog is for MY benefit, not yours. So fuck off. Just kidding, I do it for your benefit too. But just a little bit.
…how fragile we are ((Shoot Down The Stars — Gym Class Heroes))
—-
Good news: I got a job! I won’t say where, just because then I’m liable and some shit and have to put a disclaimer. Anyways, that’s good because I’ll actually have income!
Bad news: I don’t even have a second to breathe the next week. Tomorrow I’m going to Greensboro with my love to bring my sister’s cat back to her. Staying overnight. Coming home wednesday. Cleaning my closet Wednesday (Oh yes, it will require many hours). Working a good chunk of Thursday & Friday. Saturday I’m going to cram all my AP Environmental in. Sunday I’m getting ready and having my joint birthday party. Monday is my birthday.
In between what I didn’t say I have to: Clean my car, splatter paint my binder (yes, this IS neccessary), go see a movie with some friends, finish AP English stuff (which is a lot).
Oh and did I mention on my September availability for my new job that I accidentally forgot to mark off the day of the UNC Asheville Open House and I’m too pussy to tell my manager that because that would mean I fucked up during TRAINING.
My head is about to implode. Great way to end the summer. Just fucking perfect.
EDIT 8/21/09:: And now I’m working Saturday & Sunday! Even less time to breathe!
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: change, college, future, life, relationships, response, summer, time
…made you run and hide? ((Forever & Always — Taylor Swift)) — don’t hate. I listen to her on occasion because people say I look like her … and Katherine Heigl sometimes too. Not the point.
—
Took a break from blogging. Felt nice, but now I’m in the mood again.
The summer is slowly counting down its final days. Well summer break at least, here in NC it’s still hotter than ever and not giving up anytime soon. With the end of summer break comes my birthday too. I’m not sure if I’m excited or hesitant about it. I’ll officially be 17. That 7 feels so much bigger than the measly 6 I’ve got going at the moment.
I feel stuck on a fence. On one hand, this is my senior year of high school. I want to make it count, I want to make it last. I will never be at this stage of being free while still being taken care of (as much as I hate admitting it, yes I do rely on my parents for things). I’ll only be a senior & 17 once. It’s scary and exciting and I’m really preparing for a new stage of life. Early college applications are due in November!
On the other hand, I hate when people say high school was the best years of their life. These haven’t been so far, so I feel skeptical about that changing any time soon. Almost everything in me just wants a fresh start. New places, new faces, and a fresh start. Next year I can be whoever I want to be, I can change into someone drastically different (not that I will – but the option is nice) and no one would be there to question it. This part of me wants to rush through senior year and move on to bigger and better.
I’m somewhere in the middle of that. Slow versus fast. Stay here versus moving on. Safety zone versus new, scary territory.
This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night, just thinking. Not that it’s always bad, I think it’s healthy to think about the future. But sometimes I have to stop myself from going to far otherwise I’ll start freaking out.
Other things that keep me up at night: worrying about people I love, about the past, & about myself.
I have never before minded being single. I like the freedom I have. I like the space I have. I like having the right to concentrate on myself. But at the same time, I see people around me in really great relationships and wonder if I’ll ever have a normal relationship.
When it comes to the male species I’m kind of touchy, and there’s no way I’ll find a girlfriend in Raleigh, NC. It’s just not really that kind of place so it’s not easy, so I just don’t even try. Not that I don’t try when things are hard, it’s just not worth it right now and just I don’t know how to explain it. At my high school the only outright “sexually open” females are all kind of creepy punk chicks (not that that’s bad, just not my type).
So again there’s a fence. Along with how hectic the next year is going to be, should I really invest myself and try to find someone and make something work a year before I move away? Or should I just keep focusing on myself for another year and start trying in college?
Stupid mother fucking fences. They’re frustrating sometimes and much to easy to sit on for long periods of time.
Another thing that keeps me up at night: something a really good friend said to me the other day (I’m pretty sure she doesn’t read this so I don’t mind talking about it). She knows me really well I think and she said I’m a pussy. I know that sounds kind of retarded thing to lose sleep over. But it’s more the fact that it’s made me think about my life a lot. I’m about to turn 17 and what have I really done that’s daring? That’s meant something? That’s changed someone? That’s changed me? I feel like I haven’t done anything and that kind of hurts to think about because I’ve always felt like making a difference is the most important thing I could ever do. And when she said that, that’s the first thing I thought of, that maybe I’m not quite as daring or important or influential as I thought I was. Which brings me to the question, am I meaningless?
I know I’m a teenager so I’ve still got plenty of time, but I’m trying to figure out what I’ve done thus far that has actually mattered.
I’ve just been thinking a lot lately and feeling like my life is fizzling out with the summer.
You know how people with arthritis can feel rain coming in their bones? I can tell when I’ve got bad days coming in mine and I start to hibernate and hope that it will pass.
My bones are telling me soon.
