Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, depression, drama, friends, life, reactions, stress, summer
…every reassurance just magnifies the doubt ((If The Brakeman Turns My Way — Bright Eyes))
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School spirit has had me in a good mood recently. I got to wear my senior crown, dress up, etc. Everything was fine until last night. A night that was supposed to be amazing, the last homecoming game of my high school career.
My friends and I all walked over with water bottles filled to the brim of vodka and sprite. I was feeling really great until I realized the section we were in also contained the epitome of that bad night over the summer. I decided, well, I’m only tipsy, but it’ll be easier and more acceptable if I just act really drunk so I don’t have to think about the situation I’m in.
First words to him since the summer: “I’m drunk, can I have a hug?”
Fuck. My. Life.
For the past few weeks, I have been an empty pit. I have felt no emotions. I have felt like I should feel something about something, but I didn’t actually feel it. Well towards the end of the night I sobered up for a moment, and that was all my brain needed to start the arsenal. I felt so many things at once about the awkward situation I was in and just about everything in my life. In an instant my mind shut down because of the overload and I just stopped.
I stood in a crowd of screaming teenagers for about ten minutes just blankly staring at the field. Everything was moving around me but it was like I was in an entirely different place completely. My friends all got really worried. I wouldn’t speak, and the only way I was being moved was basically being dragged.
It was as if I had burnt out a fuse, for so long I’ve been ignoring so many signs that I’m headed the wrong way. I’ve looked past everything and hid it in my head and suddenly everything exploded.
What should have been a great night quickly turned into one of my worst. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, future, hope, life, school, time
…we were warm until we went to hell ((Hourglass — The Hush Sound))
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I had a really great weekend, better than I’ve had in a while. Sunday really topped it off. The dock that I have made my home is being torn down soon, so my love and I have been hitting it up with pumpkin spice lattes at every chance we get. Sunday afternoon was spent with her and another friend laying, looking at the sky, and having a pretty intense conversation. But it was nice. We proceeded to rate girls at the mall. We had dinner, then we got a skip and a jump past toasted on wine and tequila (my parents were out-of-town for the weekend). I really hate going to school on Monday morning with a hangover, but it was definitely worth it.
But lately I can’t help but continue to feel that gnawing in the back of my mind that something in me feels off. Things are moving really fast. It’s already October. I’ve got so many important things coming up and it can feel really overwhelming at times. I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but that’s not easy.
When I feel bad, I stop and take a deep breath, hoping it will pass. It does, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it off.
This weekend: SAT & college applications & work.
I’m so fucking nervous. I can’t fuck it up this time, I won’t have time to retake it again before my early action application is due.
…stir a sea of stars ((Golden Age — TV On The Radio))
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Tonight is a night for birthdays and Fight Club.
I am Jack’s broken heart.
Tonight is a night for tired eyes and Chopin.
Tonight is a night for tea & a blanket.
Tonight is the beginning of a new months.
Tonight I noticed a shift in the air. In the trees.
Tonight I realized all the fireflies have disappeared.
