Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: future, holidays, life, quotes
…it’s the time it takes to blow away ((Blow Away — A Fine Frenzy))
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I was watching One Tree Hill the other day, one of my favorite shows, and this quote was said:
Its been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is “what might’ve been”. But what if a man is faced with what was, or what may never be, or what could no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy, its a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. But sometimes we find our way to something better… sometimes we fight through the regret and the remorse of our mistakes, our malice and our jealousy and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be…and thats when we find our way to something better….or when something better finds its way to us.
It was a really depressing episode, or maybe it was the one before it, showing Peyton’s crash — aka possibly me in four years when I get chewed up and spit out of the music industry. I have so many fears regarding the future. The music industry is a dirty, grimy place that likes to suck the life out of music and people because of greed. I’m so afraid that I won’t make it, I’ll give up, or worst of all – that music won’t be the same to me anymore once it has put me through hell.
That wasn’t what I was going to write about though.
The holidays are coming up. While it’s my favorite time of year, it also tends to be the worst on me. It’s stressful, exhausting, and fast. I usually end up just trying to hold on and make it through day after day with the only thing holding me together being my skinny jeans.
This is my last Thanksgiving and Christmas living at home, and that really fucking scares me. I want to make it last, but I’m so busy that I feel like it’s going to fly by and all of a sudden I won’t know what happened to the time I wanted to hold on to and I’ll wind up midway through February not knowing where I’ve been or who I am.
All I want is to have a good winter. Just this once. And maybe from there I can have another and another. All I want to give thanks for this Thanksgiving is having wonderful people around me and for some strange miracle that kept me around for another year. All I want for Christmas is a little bit of warmth and maybe another dash of hope that 2010 will be better than this year, just like I wanted this one to be better than last.
….I see some flowers on a hillside, like a wall of new TVs ((Old Soul Song — Bright Eyes))
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Here’s some word vomit/stream of consciousness. I sparked it by a line in a Motion City Soundtrack song “In memory of what we used to call in love” and went from there. Random.
In memory of what I used to call normality. Things change quickly from red to green to yellow to orange to black. Different views become different eyes and different eyes become a new person. Change, change, change.
Only pennies.
The change is running out as I use all my remaining change to buy the last color hair dye for change. Blondes have more fun, but brunettes are bitchier.
Sink my toes into a heated blanket, curl around a body pillow and watch as drama unfolds over the rim of a cup of lemon tea. Two bags. Bags and bags of candy from Halloween still haunt me.
Hauntingly slow and hauntingly new. Whispering around us all the time, so please don’t ouija in a graveyard. Okay thanks bye. Stop saying LOL.
I haven’t really laughed in a long time.
As time flies by I try to find a meaning for life, a reason to wake up in the morning instead of throwing fits of rage because I have to live. I have to.
Well, I don’t have to, but my parents are spending far too much money on my college education for me to waste it by killing myself. I’m pretty sure it’s fucked up that I think like that.
I think about a lot of things. My mind never stops. Stop hating, stop loving, stop everything for just a moment so I can catch my breaths that come faster as you approach. Breaths that I see in the cold November air. Only November, but it feels like Christmas because of the decorations at my part time job. Working, working, working.
Working for money, for a future, for something beyond these six walls closing in. Closing the door on too many good things, but a few bad ones too. I know what the handles look like so I’ll just grab hold and hold on as I swing them back and forth undecided. Decisions, decisions I don’t really know what to make of them or how to make them.
Making pumpkin cheesecake, making friends, making mistakes. Mistakes are so common, and I regret them all. Regrets. But I wouldn’t change them for anything because they make me who I am. Who am I? The girl that makes mistakes. I’m allowed to, I’m only seventeen.
Seventeen is such an odd number. Just past a license, just short of emancipation. Emaciated skeletons still hang in my closet, but they tend to come out and scare me from time to time. Times of night, at night, in my dreams, closing in, scaring me.
Scared to the point of tears with all the lights on and a blanket securing me, security security. Am I ever really safe? I don’t think so, and the things I do probably make it worse. I try to not be stupid but I really am a silly little girl.
Silly little girl pull your hair down and swing your hips a little stronger now. Straighten your back, find your confidence. Beauty isn’t just from within, but when it’s not from the outside you have to fake it till you make it. Don’t worry, just fake it. Fake it.
I feel fake and yet so authentic sometimes. It’s funny how those things happen. It’s like I’m a real fake. I’m real but I have to hide the real by faking. I don’t think I even understand myself right now.
Do I ever really understand my thoughts or myself? They just keep going and going like that stupid pink bunny. Fuck you energizer, if I want to stop I’ll stop.
Actually I don’t think I can stop, there’s too much. Too much running and circling back and running some more through my head, faster than those skinny cross country bitches.
I wish that I could be invisible for a day. Not for the usual reasons, I don’t want to disappear, I’m not that emotionally retarded yet. I’d want to slip around to all the quiet corners and watch the people who look the most upset and purposely do something retarded and supernatural so they’d see it and come alive. If I could take all the unhappy faces in the world and change them, I wouldn’t. Light and dark. Life and death. They’re all polar opposites but without one you can’t have the other. If we were happy all the fucking time we’d go insane, there must be depression in order for the happiness to be happy. Otherwise happiness would just be so ordinary.
I wish happiness was an ordinary thing for me, not a rare occasion on which things actually make sense.
To be or not to be, that’s the essential question.
…it’s resentment that time won’t stand still ((A Song for the Metalheads — Butch Walker))
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Busy past few days.
Thursday — Up till 12 watching VMARS with Becca.
Friday — Woke up at 9 to get ready, went and took senior pictures. Went to Becca’s at 3:30. Dyed my hair (OFFICIALLY A BRUNETTE!). Dinner reservations at Kanki for Morgan’s birthday dinner with everyone at 5:30. House party at Becca’s for Morgan’s 18th started around 8:30. Drank/partied the night away. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Casey fucked her boyfriend in.
Saturday — Got up, carved a pumpkin. Got called into work early 2:30-6:30. Planned a last minute party with all the leftover booze from the night before. Drank/partied the night away at Becca’s AGAIN. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Ali fucked her boyfriend in.
Sunday — Woke up early and made a Breugger’s run. Car wouldn’t start because my gas guage got fucked up. Fantastic. Ran home to get ready, worked 1-5:45. Wrote a five page english paper.
So basically this weekend was a blur of booze, loud music, cigarette smoke, camera flashes, hair dye, sleeping in beds with condoms, alka-seltzer, snuggies, work, losing the back to my cell phone, and not nearly enough sleep.
Today in third period I was about one energy level from passing out completely. Not fun. But overall it’s definitely worth it. Two nights partying in a row was pretty epic. I’m still getting used to the whole “drinking out of fun and being social” thing instead of “drinking out of depression to get secluded and fucked out of my head” thing, but it was still a really fun weekend.
Things are moving fast. The first quarter of my senior year has officially ended. It’s NOVEMBER. The Christmas decorations in the mall I work at have been up for days now. It’s getting COLDER. The leaves are falling FAST. I still have to write college application essays. But I think I’ve settled on George Gershwin for my UNCA essay!
