Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: future, holidays, life, quotes
…it’s the time it takes to blow away ((Blow Away — A Fine Frenzy))
—-
I was watching One Tree Hill the other day, one of my favorite shows, and this quote was said:
Its been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is “what might’ve been”. But what if a man is faced with what was, or what may never be, or what could no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy, its a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. But sometimes we find our way to something better… sometimes we fight through the regret and the remorse of our mistakes, our malice and our jealousy and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be…and thats when we find our way to something better….or when something better finds its way to us.
It was a really depressing episode, or maybe it was the one before it, showing Peyton’s crash — aka possibly me in four years when I get chewed up and spit out of the music industry. I have so many fears regarding the future. The music industry is a dirty, grimy place that likes to suck the life out of music and people because of greed. I’m so afraid that I won’t make it, I’ll give up, or worst of all – that music won’t be the same to me anymore once it has put me through hell.
That wasn’t what I was going to write about though.
The holidays are coming up. While it’s my favorite time of year, it also tends to be the worst on me. It’s stressful, exhausting, and fast. I usually end up just trying to hold on and make it through day after day with the only thing holding me together being my skinny jeans.
This is my last Thanksgiving and Christmas living at home, and that really fucking scares me. I want to make it last, but I’m so busy that I feel like it’s going to fly by and all of a sudden I won’t know what happened to the time I wanted to hold on to and I’ll wind up midway through February not knowing where I’ve been or who I am.
All I want is to have a good winter. Just this once. And maybe from there I can have another and another. All I want to give thanks for this Thanksgiving is having wonderful people around me and for some strange miracle that kept me around for another year. All I want for Christmas is a little bit of warmth and maybe another dash of hope that 2010 will be better than this year, just like I wanted this one to be better than last.
…it’s resentment that time won’t stand still ((A Song for the Metalheads — Butch Walker))
—
Busy past few days.
Thursday — Up till 12 watching VMARS with Becca.
Friday — Woke up at 9 to get ready, went and took senior pictures. Went to Becca’s at 3:30. Dyed my hair (OFFICIALLY A BRUNETTE!). Dinner reservations at Kanki for Morgan’s birthday dinner with everyone at 5:30. House party at Becca’s for Morgan’s 18th started around 8:30. Drank/partied the night away. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Casey fucked her boyfriend in.
Saturday — Got up, carved a pumpkin. Got called into work early 2:30-6:30. Planned a last minute party with all the leftover booze from the night before. Drank/partied the night away at Becca’s AGAIN. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Ali fucked her boyfriend in.
Sunday — Woke up early and made a Breugger’s run. Car wouldn’t start because my gas guage got fucked up. Fantastic. Ran home to get ready, worked 1-5:45. Wrote a five page english paper.
So basically this weekend was a blur of booze, loud music, cigarette smoke, camera flashes, hair dye, sleeping in beds with condoms, alka-seltzer, snuggies, work, losing the back to my cell phone, and not nearly enough sleep.
Today in third period I was about one energy level from passing out completely. Not fun. But overall it’s definitely worth it. Two nights partying in a row was pretty epic. I’m still getting used to the whole “drinking out of fun and being social” thing instead of “drinking out of depression to get secluded and fucked out of my head” thing, but it was still a really fun weekend.
Things are moving fast. The first quarter of my senior year has officially ended. It’s NOVEMBER. The Christmas decorations in the mall I work at have been up for days now. It’s getting COLDER. The leaves are falling FAST. I still have to write college application essays. But I think I’ve settled on George Gershwin for my UNCA essay!
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, depression, drama, friends, life, reactions, stress, summer
…every reassurance just magnifies the doubt ((If The Brakeman Turns My Way — Bright Eyes))
—
School spirit has had me in a good mood recently. I got to wear my senior crown, dress up, etc. Everything was fine until last night. A night that was supposed to be amazing, the last homecoming game of my high school career.
My friends and I all walked over with water bottles filled to the brim of vodka and sprite. I was feeling really great until I realized the section we were in also contained the epitome of that bad night over the summer. I decided, well, I’m only tipsy, but it’ll be easier and more acceptable if I just act really drunk so I don’t have to think about the situation I’m in.
First words to him since the summer: “I’m drunk, can I have a hug?”
Fuck. My. Life.
For the past few weeks, I have been an empty pit. I have felt no emotions. I have felt like I should feel something about something, but I didn’t actually feel it. Well towards the end of the night I sobered up for a moment, and that was all my brain needed to start the arsenal. I felt so many things at once about the awkward situation I was in and just about everything in my life. In an instant my mind shut down because of the overload and I just stopped.
I stood in a crowd of screaming teenagers for about ten minutes just blankly staring at the field. Everything was moving around me but it was like I was in an entirely different place completely. My friends all got really worried. I wouldn’t speak, and the only way I was being moved was basically being dragged.
It was as if I had burnt out a fuse, for so long I’ve been ignoring so many signs that I’m headed the wrong way. I’ve looked past everything and hid it in my head and suddenly everything exploded.
What should have been a great night quickly turned into one of my worst. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, future, hope, life, school, time
…we were warm until we went to hell ((Hourglass — The Hush Sound))
—
I had a really great weekend, better than I’ve had in a while. Sunday really topped it off. The dock that I have made my home is being torn down soon, so my love and I have been hitting it up with pumpkin spice lattes at every chance we get. Sunday afternoon was spent with her and another friend laying, looking at the sky, and having a pretty intense conversation. But it was nice. We proceeded to rate girls at the mall. We had dinner, then we got a skip and a jump past toasted on wine and tequila (my parents were out-of-town for the weekend). I really hate going to school on Monday morning with a hangover, but it was definitely worth it.
But lately I can’t help but continue to feel that gnawing in the back of my mind that something in me feels off. Things are moving really fast. It’s already October. I’ve got so many important things coming up and it can feel really overwhelming at times. I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but that’s not easy.
When I feel bad, I stop and take a deep breath, hoping it will pass. It does, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it off.
This weekend: SAT & college applications & work.
I’m so fucking nervous. I can’t fuck it up this time, I won’t have time to retake it again before my early action application is due.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: change, drama, friends, future, hope, life, quotes, summer, time
…”But everyone can agree on one thing: tans fade, highlights go dark, and we all get sick of sand in our shoes. But the end of summer is the beginning of a new season, so we find ourselves looking to the future…”
Summer is officially over. While that’s a good thing, because I really hate the heat, I also feel like it can be bad for me. The colder seasons have a tendency to hold darker times for me, I’m not sure why because it’s my favorite time of year, but it’s just always happened like that.
New beginnings indeed. Not quite as new as they’ll be next year, but beginnings all in all. Realizations are being made, plans are being set, and as a staple for the season: things are changing. Big time.
Big things are in the works. It’s senior fucking year. Intensity much?
It just feels like everything around me is transforming, and I feel like I’m transforming too. I’ve noticed less discrepancies in my views, I’m starting to think one way and stick with it rather than falter all over the place. I’ve noticed that the same things that bothered me in previous year either still bother me or don’t at all. I’m kind of in a self-discovery mode. I feel like I’m just so ready for a new phase, one that gets me out of the vicious cycle I’ve been in for so long. I’ve got a year until the new phase officially begins, but until then I’m going to make the last moments of this phase count.
I’ve accepted the fact that yes, I have my bad days, and that’s actually okay. Because I know that sometime, even if it doesn’t happen for a while, I’ll find a way to pull out of it. I’m finally surrounded by people I know will be able to make me smile at least once a day. I’m finally comfortable with myself socially (for the most part, I’m still fucking awkward). I’m finally realizing that things may not be as bad as they seem. I mean, I know when they’re going on they seem horrific but that’s because I’m biased by what’s going on around me. When I step away at the first chance I can see things on a much bigger scale.
I’m mentally exhausted though. I feel like too much has rushed around and shifted in too short a time span, and too much drama has bombarded it as well.
I have a headache from all the commotion. But at least I’m feeling something. I’ve been going too long going through periods where I become numb and nothing matters or everything is too overwhelming. It’s frustrating, but I know it’s going to happen so I’m somewhat prepared for it.
I’m getting that feeling again though, the one that says “Hey! Bad shit’s coming your way!”. I hate it mostly because it’s the anticipation that kills me. I don’t know when I’ll go under, just that I will. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but I know that I’ll get pulled back out eventually.
Because I do have people surrounding me, and despite my flaws, they love me. In the end, I think that’s the most important thing for me to remember.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, exhaustion, future, life
…again, again you want me to fall on my head ((Zombie — Taylor Momsen))
The new Taylor I look like now with my shorter hair apparently. From Taylor Swift to Taylor Momsen? They’re both gorgeous, so I’m okay with it.
—
I am so fucking exhausted.
It’s back to the real world tomorrow. I’ve been smelling like dog and waking up early for far too long. Next weekend will be what I am referring to as “College Weekend”. Open house on Saturday at UNCA. Sunday my love and I are doing our applications. Fun stuff.
I can’t remember the last weekend where I just sat at home. I’m starting to miss those, but not really. I’d rather be too busy than sitting home alone like the hermit I was for years doing nothing. I’ve gone from one extreme to the next.
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up the business before I snap and melt down out of exhaustion. Which is odd, because I also feel like I’m giving up on everything in my life.
I’m not doing Tech this semester because of a long, drawn out story that makes me extremely angry. I gave up my piano teacher because it just wasn’t working, and I haven’t begun self-motivated teaching yet. And I’m worrying that if I don’t, then what is music to me anymore?
The epic question of what the fuck am I doing with my life has popped into my mind for the past week. It scares the shit out of me.
But for now, full force ahead. We’ll see how far I get with only one tank of gas.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: depression, life, stress, time
…it’s keeping the good part of me closed ((When You Find Me — Joshua Radin))
The song doesn’t fit my post as a whole, but I love the first stanza.
—-
Everything feels wrong. I can’t even count how many times I’ve felt like this.
- Slowly losing control.
- Making stupid mistakes.
- Giving up too easily.
- Planning to wear jeans on a 90 degree day, because shorts just won’t cover it.
I had such a shit week, and I was really counting on a good weekend.
Friday, I felt uncomfortable to a point I haven’t felt in a while. As in I had an unwelcome male trying to get into my pants for hours on end while he was drunk and laying on a couch with me. I couldn’t leave because we’d all been drinking, and I’m not dumb enough to drink and drive.
Saturday, I was exhausted and running right and left, and I realized I blew through half a tank of gas in 24 hours. I was still reeling from a bad Friday night. Then I went out with the guy I like and another friend to see a really good movie. But I found out that she sort of likes him, and so does another friend. So I’m giving up on him, because to me it’s not worth the effort if I’m only going to be in a relationship knowing that there’s other people out there feeling what I felt while he was with someone else. I’m not going to be the person to do that, so I’m going to have to force myself to just ignore the feelings I have. It sucks, but it’s the way I work.
Today, I did homework and then worked. I had a really shitty shift. I kept fucking up one thing, and then thank all that is holy that my big manager was not around, because I accidentally accepted a (GASP) expired coupon (which sounds minor, but she would have cussed me out for it). I wore the wrong shoes, so I have blisters out the wazoo.
And all day I’ve been feeling like I’m getting a cold.
I’m so sick of this shit, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Number of posts I have bitched about how shitty &or depressed I feel: 534809238409830598345.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, frustration, life, school
…you could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in ((Jumper — Third Eye Blind))
—
I’m so frustrated. Here’s the deal. A lot of colleges, instead of giving an essay topic, will tell you to write a personal statement.
A personal statement. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? I mean of course I know what it means literally, but in actuality what do I put down on my piece of paper.
Everything that I am: the stories in my head, the thoughts, the beliefs, the details behind anything that I would write for it are private. This essay is also for my English class, which means at least 3 other people will be reading it to help proof it. Not to mention if my mother decided to look over it. I do NOT intend to put anything private, aka my ENTIRE LIFE, into this essay.
So what am I left with?
Nothing.
Which makes me realize how private of a person I am. I’m basically writing a mother-proof essay which means that everything from my sexuality to my depression to my fucking insanity and anger and just plain FUN (fucked-up-ness) is off limits.
Do a little math and you realize I am nothing without my FUN. How fucked up is that?
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: depression, life, school, stress
…you’re not an orphan ((Orphans — Jack’s Mannequin)).
—
My life for the next week: Read an entire book & do a project on it. Buy two college applications. Write one college essay. Work a shift on Sunday. Study for three tests. Not die of exhaustion? Find 100 dollars to replace some belt in my car.
The only place I feel sane anymore is sitting at a lake near my house. It’s the only place I can breathe on the bad days (which are every day). There’s something about the water that drowns out all the stress in my head like magic. Sometimes I wish I could immerse myself in the ripples and stay there hidden in the murky water without having to be responsible or care about anything but the waves going over my head.
I’ve been told that my issues are causing me to fuck up all my relationships. Check. I’ve been told that I’m too tense, too on edge all the time. Check. I’ve been told that I need to calm down, but that does nothing for me. Check.
Until I hit some concrete and realize on my own how to change, nothing anyone says is going to help. People don’t seem to understand that. You can tell me how to fix myself over and over and over. Until I figure it out through something on my own, it’s not going to work. I have to find my own solution on my own time, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but I hope I’m worth the wait.
I get so used to looking out for everyone else, that I forget about myself in the masses. But the instant I put myself at number one, I fuck everyone else over. I can’t win.
I’m always, always tense and stressed and there’s no end in sight. It just builds inside me until it spills over and melts the skin from my face with saltwater. It pulls at the monster inside of me, letting it eat more and more of whatever it is that’s in me. I can feel it tearing at me constantly, and the more I resist it the stronger it gets. Eating away at the little bit of sanity and happiness that I have left.
I am exhausted. So fucking exhausted.
