…it’s resentment that time won’t stand still ((A Song for the Metalheads — Butch Walker))
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Busy past few days.
Thursday — Up till 12 watching VMARS with Becca.
Friday — Woke up at 9 to get ready, went and took senior pictures. Went to Becca’s at 3:30. Dyed my hair (OFFICIALLY A BRUNETTE!). Dinner reservations at Kanki for Morgan’s birthday dinner with everyone at 5:30. House party at Becca’s for Morgan’s 18th started around 8:30. Drank/partied the night away. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Casey fucked her boyfriend in.
Saturday — Got up, carved a pumpkin. Got called into work early 2:30-6:30. Planned a last minute party with all the leftover booze from the night before. Drank/partied the night away at Becca’s AGAIN. Was really trashed. Slept in a bed Ali fucked her boyfriend in.
Sunday — Woke up early and made a Breugger’s run. Car wouldn’t start because my gas guage got fucked up. Fantastic. Ran home to get ready, worked 1-5:45. Wrote a five page english paper.
So basically this weekend was a blur of booze, loud music, cigarette smoke, camera flashes, hair dye, sleeping in beds with condoms, alka-seltzer, snuggies, work, losing the back to my cell phone, and not nearly enough sleep.
Today in third period I was about one energy level from passing out completely. Not fun. But overall it’s definitely worth it. Two nights partying in a row was pretty epic. I’m still getting used to the whole “drinking out of fun and being social” thing instead of “drinking out of depression to get secluded and fucked out of my head” thing, but it was still a really fun weekend.
Things are moving fast. The first quarter of my senior year has officially ended. It’s NOVEMBER. The Christmas decorations in the mall I work at have been up for days now. It’s getting COLDER. The leaves are falling FAST. I still have to write college application essays. But I think I’ve settled on George Gershwin for my UNCA essay!
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: confusion, depression, drama, friends, life, reactions, stress, summer
…every reassurance just magnifies the doubt ((If The Brakeman Turns My Way — Bright Eyes))
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School spirit has had me in a good mood recently. I got to wear my senior crown, dress up, etc. Everything was fine until last night. A night that was supposed to be amazing, the last homecoming game of my high school career.
My friends and I all walked over with water bottles filled to the brim of vodka and sprite. I was feeling really great until I realized the section we were in also contained the epitome of that bad night over the summer. I decided, well, I’m only tipsy, but it’ll be easier and more acceptable if I just act really drunk so I don’t have to think about the situation I’m in.
First words to him since the summer: “I’m drunk, can I have a hug?”
Fuck. My. Life.
For the past few weeks, I have been an empty pit. I have felt no emotions. I have felt like I should feel something about something, but I didn’t actually feel it. Well towards the end of the night I sobered up for a moment, and that was all my brain needed to start the arsenal. I felt so many things at once about the awkward situation I was in and just about everything in my life. In an instant my mind shut down because of the overload and I just stopped.
I stood in a crowd of screaming teenagers for about ten minutes just blankly staring at the field. Everything was moving around me but it was like I was in an entirely different place completely. My friends all got really worried. I wouldn’t speak, and the only way I was being moved was basically being dragged.
It was as if I had burnt out a fuse, for so long I’ve been ignoring so many signs that I’m headed the wrong way. I’ve looked past everything and hid it in my head and suddenly everything exploded.
What should have been a great night quickly turned into one of my worst. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, future, hope, life, school, time
…we were warm until we went to hell ((Hourglass — The Hush Sound))
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I had a really great weekend, better than I’ve had in a while. Sunday really topped it off. The dock that I have made my home is being torn down soon, so my love and I have been hitting it up with pumpkin spice lattes at every chance we get. Sunday afternoon was spent with her and another friend laying, looking at the sky, and having a pretty intense conversation. But it was nice. We proceeded to rate girls at the mall. We had dinner, then we got a skip and a jump past toasted on wine and tequila (my parents were out-of-town for the weekend). I really hate going to school on Monday morning with a hangover, but it was definitely worth it.
But lately I can’t help but continue to feel that gnawing in the back of my mind that something in me feels off. Things are moving really fast. It’s already October. I’ve got so many important things coming up and it can feel really overwhelming at times. I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but that’s not easy.
When I feel bad, I stop and take a deep breath, hoping it will pass. It does, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it off.
This weekend: SAT & college applications & work.
I’m so fucking nervous. I can’t fuck it up this time, I won’t have time to retake it again before my early action application is due.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: change, drama, friends, future, hope, life, quotes, summer, time
…”But everyone can agree on one thing: tans fade, highlights go dark, and we all get sick of sand in our shoes. But the end of summer is the beginning of a new season, so we find ourselves looking to the future…”
Summer is officially over. While that’s a good thing, because I really hate the heat, I also feel like it can be bad for me. The colder seasons have a tendency to hold darker times for me, I’m not sure why because it’s my favorite time of year, but it’s just always happened like that.
New beginnings indeed. Not quite as new as they’ll be next year, but beginnings all in all. Realizations are being made, plans are being set, and as a staple for the season: things are changing. Big time.
Big things are in the works. It’s senior fucking year. Intensity much?
It just feels like everything around me is transforming, and I feel like I’m transforming too. I’ve noticed less discrepancies in my views, I’m starting to think one way and stick with it rather than falter all over the place. I’ve noticed that the same things that bothered me in previous year either still bother me or don’t at all. I’m kind of in a self-discovery mode. I feel like I’m just so ready for a new phase, one that gets me out of the vicious cycle I’ve been in for so long. I’ve got a year until the new phase officially begins, but until then I’m going to make the last moments of this phase count.
I’ve accepted the fact that yes, I have my bad days, and that’s actually okay. Because I know that sometime, even if it doesn’t happen for a while, I’ll find a way to pull out of it. I’m finally surrounded by people I know will be able to make me smile at least once a day. I’m finally comfortable with myself socially (for the most part, I’m still fucking awkward). I’m finally realizing that things may not be as bad as they seem. I mean, I know when they’re going on they seem horrific but that’s because I’m biased by what’s going on around me. When I step away at the first chance I can see things on a much bigger scale.
I’m mentally exhausted though. I feel like too much has rushed around and shifted in too short a time span, and too much drama has bombarded it as well.
I have a headache from all the commotion. But at least I’m feeling something. I’ve been going too long going through periods where I become numb and nothing matters or everything is too overwhelming. It’s frustrating, but I know it’s going to happen so I’m somewhat prepared for it.
I’m getting that feeling again though, the one that says “Hey! Bad shit’s coming your way!”. I hate it mostly because it’s the anticipation that kills me. I don’t know when I’ll go under, just that I will. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but I know that I’ll get pulled back out eventually.
Because I do have people surrounding me, and despite my flaws, they love me. In the end, I think that’s the most important thing for me to remember.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, exhaustion, future, life
…again, again you want me to fall on my head ((Zombie — Taylor Momsen))
The new Taylor I look like now with my shorter hair apparently. From Taylor Swift to Taylor Momsen? They’re both gorgeous, so I’m okay with it.
—
I am so fucking exhausted.
It’s back to the real world tomorrow. I’ve been smelling like dog and waking up early for far too long. Next weekend will be what I am referring to as “College Weekend”. Open house on Saturday at UNCA. Sunday my love and I are doing our applications. Fun stuff.
I can’t remember the last weekend where I just sat at home. I’m starting to miss those, but not really. I’d rather be too busy than sitting home alone like the hermit I was for years doing nothing. I’ve gone from one extreme to the next.
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up the business before I snap and melt down out of exhaustion. Which is odd, because I also feel like I’m giving up on everything in my life.
I’m not doing Tech this semester because of a long, drawn out story that makes me extremely angry. I gave up my piano teacher because it just wasn’t working, and I haven’t begun self-motivated teaching yet. And I’m worrying that if I don’t, then what is music to me anymore?
The epic question of what the fuck am I doing with my life has popped into my mind for the past week. It scares the shit out of me.
But for now, full force ahead. We’ll see how far I get with only one tank of gas.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: depression, life, stress, time
…it’s keeping the good part of me closed ((When You Find Me — Joshua Radin))
The song doesn’t fit my post as a whole, but I love the first stanza.
—-
Everything feels wrong. I can’t even count how many times I’ve felt like this.
- Slowly losing control.
- Making stupid mistakes.
- Giving up too easily.
- Planning to wear jeans on a 90 degree day, because shorts just won’t cover it.
I had such a shit week, and I was really counting on a good weekend.
Friday, I felt uncomfortable to a point I haven’t felt in a while. As in I had an unwelcome male trying to get into my pants for hours on end while he was drunk and laying on a couch with me. I couldn’t leave because we’d all been drinking, and I’m not dumb enough to drink and drive.
Saturday, I was exhausted and running right and left, and I realized I blew through half a tank of gas in 24 hours. I was still reeling from a bad Friday night. Then I went out with the guy I like and another friend to see a really good movie. But I found out that she sort of likes him, and so does another friend. So I’m giving up on him, because to me it’s not worth the effort if I’m only going to be in a relationship knowing that there’s other people out there feeling what I felt while he was with someone else. I’m not going to be the person to do that, so I’m going to have to force myself to just ignore the feelings I have. It sucks, but it’s the way I work.
Today, I did homework and then worked. I had a really shitty shift. I kept fucking up one thing, and then thank all that is holy that my big manager was not around, because I accidentally accepted a (GASP) expired coupon (which sounds minor, but she would have cussed me out for it). I wore the wrong shoes, so I have blisters out the wazoo.
And all day I’ve been feeling like I’m getting a cold.
I’m so sick of this shit, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Number of posts I have bitched about how shitty &or depressed I feel: 534809238409830598345.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: college, frustration, life, school
…you could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in ((Jumper — Third Eye Blind))
—
I’m so frustrated. Here’s the deal. A lot of colleges, instead of giving an essay topic, will tell you to write a personal statement.
A personal statement. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? I mean of course I know what it means literally, but in actuality what do I put down on my piece of paper.
Everything that I am: the stories in my head, the thoughts, the beliefs, the details behind anything that I would write for it are private. This essay is also for my English class, which means at least 3 other people will be reading it to help proof it. Not to mention if my mother decided to look over it. I do NOT intend to put anything private, aka my ENTIRE LIFE, into this essay.
So what am I left with?
Nothing.
Which makes me realize how private of a person I am. I’m basically writing a mother-proof essay which means that everything from my sexuality to my depression to my fucking insanity and anger and just plain FUN (fucked-up-ness) is off limits.
Do a little math and you realize I am nothing without my FUN. How fucked up is that?
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: depression, life, school, stress
…you’re not an orphan ((Orphans — Jack’s Mannequin)).
—
My life for the next week: Read an entire book & do a project on it. Buy two college applications. Write one college essay. Work a shift on Sunday. Study for three tests. Not die of exhaustion? Find 100 dollars to replace some belt in my car.
The only place I feel sane anymore is sitting at a lake near my house. It’s the only place I can breathe on the bad days (which are every day). There’s something about the water that drowns out all the stress in my head like magic. Sometimes I wish I could immerse myself in the ripples and stay there hidden in the murky water without having to be responsible or care about anything but the waves going over my head.
I’ve been told that my issues are causing me to fuck up all my relationships. Check. I’ve been told that I’m too tense, too on edge all the time. Check. I’ve been told that I need to calm down, but that does nothing for me. Check.
Until I hit some concrete and realize on my own how to change, nothing anyone says is going to help. People don’t seem to understand that. You can tell me how to fix myself over and over and over. Until I figure it out through something on my own, it’s not going to work. I have to find my own solution on my own time, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but I hope I’m worth the wait.
I get so used to looking out for everyone else, that I forget about myself in the masses. But the instant I put myself at number one, I fuck everyone else over. I can’t win.
I’m always, always tense and stressed and there’s no end in sight. It just builds inside me until it spills over and melts the skin from my face with saltwater. It pulls at the monster inside of me, letting it eat more and more of whatever it is that’s in me. I can feel it tearing at me constantly, and the more I resist it the stronger it gets. Eating away at the little bit of sanity and happiness that I have left.
I am exhausted. So fucking exhausted.
Filed under: Life as a Broad Title | Tags: family, friends, life, money, school, self abuse, stress
…but it marks your skin, until they break it ((Where Love Went Wrong — Augustana))
—
The first week of school has gone by, and I’m officially losing it. I honestly thought I was doing well thus far, until I completely exploded on one of my best friends about all the things I’m stressed about that I didn’t even realize I was stressed about until tonight. I guess I bottle things up so much that I didn’t even realize how much had piled up.
Here’s my list:
1. One of my best friends got into a car accident and has a concussion (that will permanently do damage because the last one she got really fucked her up).
2. Another best friend is on crutches & battling an eating disorder (I love her & I will always, always, always support her).
3. In the group of people I go to lunch with is a girl who reminds me of a really, really bad day in the summer. It’s not her fault at all that I dislike her (even though she’s awesome) by association to that day.
4. I keep seeing/dodging a male who watched me/caused me to freak the fuck out on the aforementioned bad day in summer (there are many posts related to that day in cryptic terms).
5. I may have to give up one of the few things about school that I actually love, technical theater, because I may not have the time this semester to work on the play.
6. My education is racking up a lot of dollars, and I hate asking my parents for money more than I hate myself most of the time (my dad’s unemployment money runs out next month). It literally makes me physically sick to ask them for money. SAT – 45. 2 college applications – 100. Sewing crap for a class called apparel development that I didn’t even want to take – unknown. ITS dues – 20. I will probably end up not telling them about half of it and pay for it myself, because I’d honestly rather use my own savings than have to ask them. Their faces look so okay about it, but I’m not naive enough to believe it — I know we’re having money problems, I’m not stupid.
7. I haven’t had time to practice piano all week because I’ve been so busy. I have a new teacher who I’m not fond of because it feels all wrong (I want my old one back), and I want to do well because my parents invest a LOT of money in my lessons. The least I could do is make progress, and I haven’t.
8. As far as cutting goes, I’m almost back to where I was 2 years ago — that’s how frequent it is.
9. I’ve completely lost my sex drive (which is usually on high gear). I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s one of the early signs that say I’m headed towards what I call my low, aka a period of depression/insomnia/stress.
10. I have so much school shit to do in the next two weeks that I can’t seem to wrap my brain all the way around it.
11. The only time I’m NOT thinking about all these things is in my sleep. And even then, it takes a while for me to fall asleep and I wake up 2-3 times a night about 4 nights a week with nightmares. The same one I’ve been getting since the middle of the summer. The same one I got as a kid. The same one that still gets to me after 10 years. The really fucked up thing is that I’m working in the same mall where that nightmare went down in real life. Oh and my brain threw in a new one the other night — I killed & mutilated 3 people in my home and then proceeded to have my parents cover it up (where that came from, I’m not sure).
12. I’ve been getting urges to pick up my habits that I used to use to get myself some sleep. Nyquil or alcohol. Lots of it.
What I hate the most is that at the end of the day I still have the same stupid demeanor plastered all over my body. During the day I’m nothing but a mummy — simply a shell made to look good while I’m rotting inside.
